Tag Archives: weird dreams

Movie Monsters

I have to admit something. I’m not a fan of zombie movies.

There are exceptions to this, but generally, I find zombies to be a very boring monster. I even had a dream about the zombie apocalypse once. You know what it was? My entire small town gathered in the high school gym and watched movies on a projector while a rotating team of regular people sat at the windows with guns and picked off whatever zombies happened to amble by.

I have to say, the only zombie movies I like are Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. Everything else is just boring to me. Sorry, current pop-culture obsession.

Mummies aren’t interesting either, and they’re confined to only certain parts of the world, and there aren’t that many of them.

Honestly, any villain that has “shamble and groan” as it’s go-to move is not that big of a threat. The only thing on its side is the element of surprise, and once that’s gone, the odds are clearly stacked in favor of whichever side has the capacity for abstract thought and full use of their motor skills.

Werewolves – meh. Scary, I guess. But still boring.

Vampires I do find interesting. Of course, they’re only vampires if they die in the sunlight, since the whole point of the vampire myth is that in order to get immortality you have to become a creature of darkness, both literally and figuratively (I’m looking at you, Twilight).

Vampires are scarier because they can think. They can manipulate and plot and connive. They’re just like us, only evil(er). Also sexier.

Of course, I think we can all agree that the scariest movie monster is Alien. Acid blood trumps all.

P.S. Can you imagine Ripley in a zombie apocalypse? The whole thing would last like a day.



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After humans go extinct, the ants will rise up and take our place.

I’ve been seeing ants everywhere I go. I realize that this is partially because it’s summer in Texas. But still. They’re outside. They’re inside. In the bathroom at work. In my car. In my shower. I’m either Queen (or Empress) of the Ants, or I’m just hallucinating.


I’m going clothes shopping this weekend! So expect this to be the last time you hear (read) me complaining about how my pants don’t fit. Except today I’m actually wearing pants that fit. So last time was the last time.


Kasima has had a complete recovery. You know how I can tell? It’s not the fact that she’s eating and pooping again. It’s the fact that she attacked Adam when he tried to pet her. She’s back!


Kasima bit Adam on the butt once. It was awesome. And it was at my command, which was even better. She’s such a good kitty.


I predict that, for whatever reason, this is the post that makes Adam regret encouraging me to start a blog.


Let’s see…normally I link to some stuff on Fridays. I suppose I could admonish you again for not watching So You Think You Can Dance.

This one might need a little back story for you to fully appreciate it. See, the asian dude in this clip is a ballet dancer. He doesn’t do anything that’s not graceful. No one expected him to be this good at hip hop. Enjoy!


By the way, you should be reading the NPR pop-culture blog, Monkey See. I go there at least twice a day. Very entertaining. Plus, they like all the stuff I like. We should be best friends.

And it’s NPR, so you can still feel smart and socially responsible, even though you’re reading about tv and movies and stuff.


I don’t think I’m the only one who has breathed a huge sigh of relief that the new Futurama episodes are just as great as the old stuff. Don’t get me wrong. I have tremendous faith in the makers of Futurama – who I know all the names of, because I am a watcher of dvd commentaries – but I was a little nervous. Last week’s episodes got rid of most of that nervousness, and last night’s episode put it to rest permanently.

Ahhhhhh. That’s a weight off my shoulders.


Julia Roberts was in my dream last night. We were foiling some scam at a college by posing as students. I think I blended in a lot better than she did.

I don’t remember a lot about the dream. Except that there was this smarmy guy who kept hitting on me, and I kept having to re-explain to him that I’m married.

See, Adam? Even in my dreams I’m faithful to you. I am a fantastic wife.


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Spellcheck does not like my made-up words.

For some reason, all night last night, I dreamed about Andy Kaufman.

I realize I may anger all of the internet when I say this, but I’m not a fan of Andy Kaufman. (Andy Kaufman fans are disproportionately overrepresented on the internet, much like Joss Whedon fans. Though I am one of the overrepresented fans in the latter example.)

So, all night long in my dreams, I kept explaining to various people why I didn’t like Andy Kaufman. I’m not sure why Andy Kaufman was on my brain. Could be this post on Ken Levine’s blog. But seriously. I feel like my time was wasted, even though I was sleeping and probably wouldn’t have done anything productive with that time anyway.

So then, on the way to work, I started thinking about dating shows for some reason. (I can’t explain the way my brain works, only that it does work, and random jumps like this are bound to happen at some point.)

Anyway, I used to love dating shows. Change of Heart, Singled Out, Elimidate, Fifth Wheel, Studs, Blind Date. They were awesome, and always came on either right before or right after American Gladiators. But, of course, my favorite was always Love Connection. With its pastel colored couches, and heart-themed set decoration, and video feed to talk to someone who’s sitting backstage. And Chuck Woolery, second only to Gene Rayburn as the best game show host ever. So I googled Love Connection, because I wanted to see if it was available on dvd, and if so, how much it costs. (More on this in a moment). So, of course, google tells me to go to YouTube to watch clips, and I oblige. And in the sidebar thing where they show you supposedly-related clips – that usually are not at all related to what you’re watching – I see this clip of (who else?) Andy Kaufman on The Dating Game.

Clearly, I’m not the only one who makes the leap from Andy Kaufman to dating shows.

Addendum 1:  Love Connection is not available on dvd.  I must ask the universe: Why not? That show was awesome. It only gets better with time. The outfits, the hair, the audience reactions. And all the YouTube clips are grainy or pixely or have that distortion line at the bottom of the screen that you get when you’ve watched a VHS tape 60 times. Does the Game Show Network still show reruns? I may have to start dvr-ing it.

Addendum 2: If you must know, here’s the reason I don’t like Andy Kaufman: He wasn’t a comedian. (I’m going somewhere with this. That alone is not my reason.) At most he was a performance artist, and I don’t really like performance art that goes on for the length of a person’s career. He was kind of an asshole, and got pissy when people actually liked the stuff he did. I loved him on Taxi, which I suppose makes me a member of the unrefined proletariat. And he wasn’t even that funny. The rule is, you’re allowed to be as dickish as you are funny. If you’re more dick than funny, it doesn’t make you a misunderstood artist. You’re just an asshole.

Let’s look at young David Letterman:

  • kind of a dick
  • hilarious
  • taught us new things about throwing stuff off of roofs

We can call him a misunderstood comedy genius.

But now let’s look at older David Letterman:

  • At his best, he’s equally as funny as his younger self. At his worst, he’s much less funny than Young Dave. Average it out and call him slightly less than hilarious.
  • But, he’s become crotchety and complainy in his old age. When this is directed at people (Paris Hilton, Joaquin Phoenix), he reaches the same Funny-Dick Equilibrium ™ as he did earlier in his career. But when he’s doing his monologue, he tips the scale to the dickish side of things.

Ergo, older David Letterman is more dick than funny, and that makes him mostly just an asshole.

We could similarly analyze young George Carlin vs. old George Carlin. (I look forward to your hate mail.)

Interestingly, you don’t have to be exceptionally dickish to be exceptionally funny. But if you’re too light on the dickishness, you get relegated to daytime TV (Ellen DeGeneres).

The Funny-Dick Equilibrium ™ is similar to – but not the same as – Asshole Charm ™, a term I coined after watching Vince Vaughn in Swingers.


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Some updates and addendums

RE: Tight-fitting pants:

I’ve decided I’m going to lose some weight. This was brought on by a doctor’s visit where they actually said my weight out loud where people could hear. Rude.

So, my method of weight-loss is actually pretty simple, and it’s worked for me any time I needed to be a different size than what I currently am/was (this includes both weight gain and weight loss). I get rid of all the too-small clothes and spend a little money to buy clothes that fit me. As soon as I no longer have the smaller clothes and I’ve actually shelled out money for new ones, I’ll magically lose the weight because apparently my body is morally opposed to wearing clothes that fit.

This is similar to the method I use to find a lost pair of sunglasses. I buy a new pair, and I invariably find the lost pair the same day, sometimes while the tag is still on the new pair.

Also, I’m going to start riding my bike around my adorable new neighborhood.


RE: Names I call my cat:

I forgot to add “Purr Factory.” She assembles and distributes purrs.


RE: Celebrities I want to have sign my underwear:

I’m adding Donald Glover to that list. I just adore him. And someone I forgot: Carrie Fisher.


RE: Dreams I have when watching a lot of a particular show:

Once we get a new modem that does wired and wireless internet simultaneously, I will be able to resume watching Arrested Development on Netflix via the PS3. I’m really looking forward to this, because it gives me Jason Bateman dreams. Mmmmmm, Jason Bateman.

By the way, I’m watching Arrested Development for the first time. I never watched it when it originally came on, and I cannot remember why. I mean, not only does it have Jason Bateman, it also has Jeffrey Tambor, Portia de Rossi (Oh, Better Off Ted, how I miss you), and David Cross. And it’s that quirky kind of comedy that I always like.  And it’s got Alia Shawkat, who, though I couldn’t have known this at the time, I would fall in love with years later when I watched Whip It. Seriously, if someone was creating a television show as a gift to me, it would be Arrested Development.


I think that’s all the updates for now. Remind me to tell you about my doctor’s visit later. Here’s a teaser for you: it involves a fairly detailed description of my butt.

And I’ll leave you with that thought.


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I’m back!

So in the process of moving, we’ve decided to upgrade our dvr. The dvr has been a major source of frustration for awhile now, due to its inability to obey me in a timely manner. (Am I the only person who yells, “Obey me!” to her possessions when they misbehave?)

We’re getting a new dvr as early as Tuesday, which means I’ve had to watch everything we have recorded this weekend, lest it be gone forever without having been watched (Tragedy!). As I’ve previously mentioned, I’m very easily influenced, especially by tv. One area of my life where this is unfailingly true is my dreams. If I’m watching a lot of a particular show, I’ll dream about it all night every night until I scale back. This caused me some serious problems when I decided to watch all of the happy-go-lucky HBO prison series Oz.

So on Friday and Saturday I watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy (don’t even think about judging me), so I had very melodramatic dreams about attractive doctors who all wanted to date me. It was kind of nice.

Yesterday, however, I watched every episode of Breaking Bad from the new season. It’s a great show, and I know someone who’s on it, which is kind of cool, but it has a major adverse effect on the quality and intensity of my dreams. I spent the entire night, asleep, wracked with guilt over – ****SPOILER ALERT!!! DO NOT GET MAD AT ME!!! I’M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ALL THE EPISODES THIS SEASON!!!! (AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW SOMEONE WAS WRACKED WITH GUILT ON THAT SHOW, I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU)**** – my brother-in-law’s life-threatening injuries that I was indirectly responsible for.

Today I plan on watching all of Justified. Helloooo Timothy Olyphant sex dreams.

By the way, yes, I’m aware that I owe you a random post. It’s coming up next.

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