Tag Archives: my pants don’t fit

One week til my birthday!

This morning all my properly-fitting pants were dirty, so, rather than going pantsless, I’m wearing a pair of less-properly-fitting pants.

Then, in a stroke of genius, instead of using the pants buttons god gave me, I used a paper clip to join the inner and outer buttonholes, bestowing my pants with just the right amount of give.

Of course, I discovered the Achilles heel in this solution when I went to the bathroom and had to negotiate removing a paper clip from two buttonholes while also doing the pee pee dance.

I was able to accomplish this with minimal injury. So, victory!

***

I must confess, I just don’t have a lot to tell you on this random friday. My mind is pretty much living in tomorrow. Hair will be dyed, panties will be signed. Oil will be changed. And we’ll probably grab something to eat at some point too.

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I’m starting this new thing. You’re all familiar with the witty (or “witty”) comeback that consists of inserting “your face” into whatever insult was just thrown at you, yes? (i.e. “Your face is a stupid whore that slept with my boyfriend in the backseat of my car.”)

Well, I’m starting a new thing where I use the “your face” comeback for compliments and neutral statements as well.

“Your face looks nice today.”

“Your face was great in that play.”

“Your face is hungry.”

***

I want to see this movie:

I love Mila Kunis. And Natalie Portman, of course. But seriously. Mila Kunis.

***

Also this one:

I’m a sucker for alien invasion movies.

No pun intended?

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A master class in segue-writing

Okay, I have three topics I want to cover today, and it’s not random day, so brace yourself for some cutting edge segues.

First up:

I went shopping this weekend. It was a roller coaster ride, let me tell you. Turns out, shopping isn’t quite as fun when you’ve gained weight.

So, my first day of shopping, I decided to go to the cheapest places first – Goodwill and thrift stores. The fun thing about these places is that there isn’t any kind of uniform sizing, so every trip to the dressing room is full of surprises. You could be trying on a size 8 from 2010 or a size 8 from 1985, which are very different because of a phenomenon known as “vanity sizing.” If you are not a girl, you most likely don’t have to deal with vanity sizing. Vanity sizing is what happens when we, as a society, attach some sort of value to the size of the clothing we wear. Basically, it means that a size 6 is not what it once was. So all those people who like to comfort overweight women by saying, “You know, Marilyn Monroe wore a size 16” are being a little disingenuous. Marilyn Monroe’s size 16 was something like our size 6.

So what this means if you shop at Goodwill is that you can bring four pairs of size 8 pants into the fitting room, and only one of them comes close to fitting. Close to fitting. Not quite there.

So I left Goodwill empty-handed. And, contrary to the name on the door, with absolutely no good will. Liars.

I visited two more thrift stores that day, same results, each time with even less good will. Which, if you’ll recall, I had none of when I left Goodwill. So I ended the day at about -10 good will. With no new clothes.

Since I had such a shitty time shopping on the first day, my husband promised me that he would take me shopping on Monday and chauffeur me around and carry my bags and not complain at all. It sounds like an impossible task, but this is the man who puts up with me and my never-ending pile of bullshit every single day. If anyone can do it, he can.

He lasted through three stores and about five conversations that ended with me saying, “Oh my god, just give me an opinion! You’re so bad at this.”

My hero. *sigh* You know, he might be better than Jason Bateman. Might.

Ah, Jason Bateman.

Oh! I forgot that the reason I told you the shopping story is that I am now the proud owner of several pairs of pants that actually fit! Yay me! And I’ve now realized what a profound effect properly fitting clothes have on my mood. Which is kind of scary. I mean, that something so small could change my entire outlook on life. (This might not seem particularly scary to you, but I guarantee you, my husband is freaking the fuck out right now. Yeah, dude, that’s what you’re dealing with.)

What was I talking about? Oh, right. Jason Bateman. Mmmmmm.

Speaking of obsessions that started in childhood but have somehow survived the growing up process and continue to plague me to this day,* I’m scared of clowns.

Like most people around my age, I can pinpoint exactly when this fear started: Stephen King’s It. I, of course, am not talking about the book. I’m talking about the tv miniseries that aired in 1990 and starred Tim Curry as the scariest clown ever conceived. If you have never seen this miniseries, I recommend you Netflix it right now. I’m not going to tell you much except that Tim Curry plays a clown that is the embodiment of evil and lives in the sewer and in the end turns out to be, like most Stephen King villains, a giant spider.

Oh, um, spoiler alert I guess.

But seriously, even if you haven’t seen it, you just have to imagine Tim Curry as a clown and you’re pretty much where me and all the other 8-year-olds were when that aired.

So, in keeping with the current trend of remaking movies that don’t need to be remade, a reboot of It is in the works. I can’t imagine this working.

First of all, you’ve got Tim Curry as the villain. I know I’ve already said that, but I just don’t think you can get past it. It’s like replacing Jaws in Jaws with…anything other than Jaws. You’ve already attained perfection. How can you go beyond that?

In addition, the miniseries has a running time of 193 minutes. I know there are a lot of movies out now that run longer than three hours, but I hardly think that’s something we should be perpetuating. I tend to agree with Alfred Hitchcock, who said that the length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. And I don’t have a three-hour bladder.

Here’s the other thing. I don’t know how many of you have actually read It. You should. It’s a good book, I like it quite a bit. But, in the book, there’s a part that was left out of the made-for-tv-so-it-has-to-be-appropriate-for-all-the-eight-year-olds-we’re-going-to-traumatize version.

***OH MY GOD. SPOILER ALERT. JUST READ THE BOOK. JESUS.***

I am, of course, referring to the obligatory gang-bang-in-the-sewer scene that you find in every tale of good versus evil. No, I’m not kidding. Starring 11-year-olds. No, I’m really not kidding.

How you gonna film that, Hollywood? Huh?

Hopefully they’ll leave that part out.

Speaking of things that would be difficult to translate into film,** I’ve been listening to Pandora at work a lot lately. Little tip for Pandora users: Make a Beatles station.

Anyway, I hadn’t listened to Pandora in a while, because I have a problem with it. Now, according to a casual survey of about three people I asked a couple months ago, I’m the only person who considers this a problem, but may I share it with you anyway?

The problem I have with Pandora is that it plays music that’s all the same. I get that that’s the idea, but I also thought that it would use my initial band or song as a jumping off point, and that it might stray from that exact kind of song occasionally. I guess I’m the only person who has Tom Petty, Ani DiFranco and Buffy the Musical on the same playlist.

Anyway, having not been to the site in a while, I was delighted when I visited on Tuesday and it connected with my facebook page to make a station based on what bands I said I liked on facebook. My first thought: Awesome! My second thought: Crap, I haven’t updated that in a while, I should make sure it has all the stuff I’m obsessed with right now. So I did that.

Now, a lot of the stuff I have listed is chick singers who all kind of sound alike, like Ingrid Michaelson, Feist, Mirah, etc. So I figured I’d add some other stuff I like to add variety. So I add RHCP and System of a Down, just to give some depth. And of course, as we all know, Feist + System of a Down = Metallica. I find no flaw in your math, Pandora. However:

I fucking hate Metallica.

And no, old Metallica is not any better. They always sucked.

Three Metallica songs in 10 minutes. After I thumbs-down 3 Metallica songs, you’d think that might indicate that I don’t like Metallica. Well, unless you’re Pandora, that is.

So that’s when I created my Beatles station. That, plus my well-fitting pants turned my whole day around.

*Cutting Edge Segue #1
**Cutting Edge Segue #2 You know Pandora would be difficult to translate into a movie. Don’t even act like I’m wrong.

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After humans go extinct, the ants will rise up and take our place.

I’ve been seeing ants everywhere I go. I realize that this is partially because it’s summer in Texas. But still. They’re outside. They’re inside. In the bathroom at work. In my car. In my shower. I’m either Queen (or Empress) of the Ants, or I’m just hallucinating.

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I’m going clothes shopping this weekend! So expect this to be the last time you hear (read) me complaining about how my pants don’t fit. Except today I’m actually wearing pants that fit. So last time was the last time.

***

Kasima has had a complete recovery. You know how I can tell? It’s not the fact that she’s eating and pooping again. It’s the fact that she attacked Adam when he tried to pet her. She’s back!

***

Kasima bit Adam on the butt once. It was awesome. And it was at my command, which was even better. She’s such a good kitty.

***

I predict that, for whatever reason, this is the post that makes Adam regret encouraging me to start a blog.

***

Let’s see…normally I link to some stuff on Fridays. I suppose I could admonish you again for not watching So You Think You Can Dance.

This one might need a little back story for you to fully appreciate it. See, the asian dude in this clip is a ballet dancer. He doesn’t do anything that’s not graceful. No one expected him to be this good at hip hop. Enjoy!

***

By the way, you should be reading the NPR pop-culture blog, Monkey See. I go there at least twice a day. Very entertaining. Plus, they like all the stuff I like. We should be best friends.

And it’s NPR, so you can still feel smart and socially responsible, even though you’re reading about tv and movies and stuff.

***

I don’t think I’m the only one who has breathed a huge sigh of relief that the new Futurama episodes are just as great as the old stuff. Don’t get me wrong. I have tremendous faith in the makers of Futurama – who I know all the names of, because I am a watcher of dvd commentaries – but I was a little nervous. Last week’s episodes got rid of most of that nervousness, and last night’s episode put it to rest permanently.

Ahhhhhh. That’s a weight off my shoulders.

***

Julia Roberts was in my dream last night. We were foiling some scam at a college by posing as students. I think I blended in a lot better than she did.

I don’t remember a lot about the dream. Except that there was this smarmy guy who kept hitting on me, and I kept having to re-explain to him that I’m married.

See, Adam? Even in my dreams I’m faithful to you. I am a fantastic wife.

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Some updates and addendums

RE: Tight-fitting pants:

I’ve decided I’m going to lose some weight. This was brought on by a doctor’s visit where they actually said my weight out loud where people could hear. Rude.

So, my method of weight-loss is actually pretty simple, and it’s worked for me any time I needed to be a different size than what I currently am/was (this includes both weight gain and weight loss). I get rid of all the too-small clothes and spend a little money to buy clothes that fit me. As soon as I no longer have the smaller clothes and I’ve actually shelled out money for new ones, I’ll magically lose the weight because apparently my body is morally opposed to wearing clothes that fit.

This is similar to the method I use to find a lost pair of sunglasses. I buy a new pair, and I invariably find the lost pair the same day, sometimes while the tag is still on the new pair.

Also, I’m going to start riding my bike around my adorable new neighborhood.

***

RE: Names I call my cat:

I forgot to add “Purr Factory.” She assembles and distributes purrs.

***

RE: Celebrities I want to have sign my underwear:

I’m adding Donald Glover to that list. I just adore him. And someone I forgot: Carrie Fisher.

***

RE: Dreams I have when watching a lot of a particular show:

Once we get a new modem that does wired and wireless internet simultaneously, I will be able to resume watching Arrested Development on Netflix via the PS3. I’m really looking forward to this, because it gives me Jason Bateman dreams. Mmmmmm, Jason Bateman.

By the way, I’m watching Arrested Development for the first time. I never watched it when it originally came on, and I cannot remember why. I mean, not only does it have Jason Bateman, it also has Jeffrey Tambor, Portia de Rossi (Oh, Better Off Ted, how I miss you), and David Cross. And it’s that quirky kind of comedy that I always like.  And it’s got Alia Shawkat, who, though I couldn’t have known this at the time, I would fall in love with years later when I watched Whip It. Seriously, if someone was creating a television show as a gift to me, it would be Arrested Development.

***

I think that’s all the updates for now. Remind me to tell you about my doctor’s visit later. Here’s a teaser for you: it involves a fairly detailed description of my butt.

And I’ll leave you with that thought.

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Like a bird in a whale’s mouth. Now it’s in the title. There, Google, is that what you wanted?

I’m currently having a clothing crisis where none of my pants fit me anymore, but I’m too lazy to exercise. I predict this stalemate will last until I have enough money to buy new pants.

***

My phone at work is super static-y. I’ve been raised by television and movies to believe that this means my phone is tapped. I’m sure it’s because of all that stuff I said on twitter while Barack Obama was one of my followers.

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I didn’t say anything too terrible. But I think I did talk about blowing stuff up once or twice. I was just joking, Barack. I figured you’d have a sense of humor about it.

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I’m the only person who works in my office, so a lot of the time I’ll take off my shoes and walk around barefoot. And I sometimes wear tank tops with little sweaters over them, but if it gets too hot, I’ll take the sweater off. And because of the pants issue, I walk around with my pants unbuttoned. So what I’m saying is, if you stop by my office, I’ll essentially be half-naked.

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“Like a bird in whale’s mouth” still has no google hits. But I’ve put it on this blog – twice. It’s on the internet, Google. Stop trying to thwart my plan by refusing to show it in search results. And also, stop trying to prevent me from getting new blog readers who searched for the phrase “like a bird in a whale’s mouth.” Let’s work together, Google.

***

From now on, any time I insult someone, I’m going to add, “Also, your face is stupid.” It’s like a bonus insult. And their face probably is stupid.

***

Please continue the randomness in the comments. All four of you who read this.

UPDATE: Google listened! That was instant.  Hooray for technology!

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