So I’ve been thinking a little more about the musical about shopping, and I think, in order to get Joss Whedon involved, we’re going to have to go darker. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Anne Hathaway is a shopgirl in some fancy New York department store, helping much richer (and meaner) women find great clothes. Opening number: Everything Must Go.
The store decides to drive traffic by having a drawing: anyone who buys this certain dress gets entered into a drawing to win a $50,000 shopping spree (obviously this will be the dress that started it all). Musical Number: A Light at the End of the Subway Tunnel.
So, of course Anne Hathaway wins the drawing, because all the other people who entered were less-famous actresses. When she shows up to claim her prize, they tell her she’ll have a personal shopper to help her decide what to buy. Enter Hugh Jackman.
Then we’ll have a Pretty Woman-style shopping montage. Musical Number: Do You Have This In Size Negative Two?
As Anne Hathaway shops, slowly chipping away at the $50,000, we notice that she’s getting bitchier and bitchier. It turns out, with every outfit she buys, she’s losing a part of her soul! Dun dun DUN. And Hugh Jackman is the devil! Dun dun DUN!
(Note: This is actually what happens to you when you spend $50,000 on clothes. Exhibit A: Paris Hilton.)
Anne Hathaway figures out what’s going on with the help of her shopgirl friend, played by the less-famous-but-still-recognizable actress, Rory Gilmore. Musical Number: You Used To Be So Much Cooler.
Anne Hathaway confronts Hugh Jackman, who admits the truth and tells her there’s no way to stop the process now because she’s already lost too much of her soul. Then we realize that all the women who come to Anne Hathaway’s store have lost their souls. Dun dun DUN again! Musical Number: Everything Must Go (Reprise).
Now, here we can go a couple of different ways, and remember: we’re trying to make this attractive to Joss Whedon.
- We can go with the classic ending: A fight scene between a girl and the devil set in a department store. A dancing fight. It will be pretty and violent. But not like West Side Story. No snapping.
- Since she’s fighting the devil, there’s always the option of having them play a game where the winner gets her soul. May I suggest: Temptation, The New Sale of the Century.
- But, we could also go with the darker ending and have her lose her soul entirely. The movie would end with Rory Gilmore winning a shopping spree and Anne Hathaway being her “personal shopper.” This one wins us bonus points as a communist propaganda movie that shows the evils of capitalism.
Which ending sounds best to you? I’m voting communist propaganda, as usual.
I think we’ve got a winner here. Joss, I’ll be expecting your call.
P.S. By the way, this is based on a true story.