Tag Archives: metallica sucks

A master class in segue-writing

Okay, I have three topics I want to cover today, and it’s not random day, so brace yourself for some cutting edge segues.

First up:

I went shopping this weekend. It was a roller coaster ride, let me tell you. Turns out, shopping isn’t quite as fun when you’ve gained weight.

So, my first day of shopping, I decided to go to the cheapest places first – Goodwill and thrift stores. The fun thing about these places is that there isn’t any kind of uniform sizing, so every trip to the dressing room is full of surprises. You could be trying on a size 8 from 2010 or a size 8 from 1985, which are very different because of a phenomenon known as “vanity sizing.” If you are not a girl, you most likely don’t have to deal with vanity sizing. Vanity sizing is what happens when we, as a society, attach some sort of value to the size of the clothing we wear. Basically, it means that a size 6 is not what it once was. So all those people who like to comfort overweight women by saying, “You know, Marilyn Monroe wore a size 16” are being a little disingenuous. Marilyn Monroe’s size 16 was something like our size 6.

So what this means if you shop at Goodwill is that you can bring four pairs of size 8 pants into the fitting room, and only one of them comes close to fitting. Close to fitting. Not quite there.

So I left Goodwill empty-handed. And, contrary to the name on the door, with absolutely no good will. Liars.

I visited two more thrift stores that day, same results, each time with even less good will. Which, if you’ll recall, I had none of when I left Goodwill. So I ended the day at about -10 good will. With no new clothes.

Since I had such a shitty time shopping on the first day, my husband promised me that he would take me shopping on Monday and chauffeur me around and carry my bags and not complain at all. It sounds like an impossible task, but this is the man who puts up with me and my never-ending pile of bullshit every single day. If anyone can do it, he can.

He lasted through three stores and about five conversations that ended with me saying, “Oh my god, just give me an opinion! You’re so bad at this.”

My hero. *sigh* You know, he might be better than Jason Bateman. Might.

Ah, Jason Bateman.

Oh! I forgot that the reason I told you the shopping story is that I am now the proud owner of several pairs of pants that actually fit! Yay me! And I’ve now realized what a profound effect properly fitting clothes have on my mood. Which is kind of scary. I mean, that something so small could change my entire outlook on life. (This might not seem particularly scary to you, but I guarantee you, my husband is freaking the fuck out right now. Yeah, dude, that’s what you’re dealing with.)

What was I talking about? Oh, right. Jason Bateman. Mmmmmm.

Speaking of obsessions that started in childhood but have somehow survived the growing up process and continue to plague me to this day,* I’m scared of clowns.

Like most people around my age, I can pinpoint exactly when this fear started: Stephen King’s It. I, of course, am not talking about the book. I’m talking about the tv miniseries that aired in 1990 and starred Tim Curry as the scariest clown ever conceived. If you have never seen this miniseries, I recommend you Netflix it right now. I’m not going to tell you much except that Tim Curry plays a clown that is the embodiment of evil and lives in the sewer and in the end turns out to be, like most Stephen King villains, a giant spider.

Oh, um, spoiler alert I guess.

But seriously, even if you haven’t seen it, you just have to imagine Tim Curry as a clown and you’re pretty much where me and all the other 8-year-olds were when that aired.

So, in keeping with the current trend of remaking movies that don’t need to be remade, a reboot of It is in the works. I can’t imagine this working.

First of all, you’ve got Tim Curry as the villain. I know I’ve already said that, but I just don’t think you can get past it. It’s like replacing Jaws in Jaws with…anything other than Jaws. You’ve already attained perfection. How can you go beyond that?

In addition, the miniseries has a running time of 193 minutes. I know there are a lot of movies out now that run longer than three hours, but I hardly think that’s something we should be perpetuating. I tend to agree with Alfred Hitchcock, who said that the length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. And I don’t have a three-hour bladder.

Here’s the other thing. I don’t know how many of you have actually read It. You should. It’s a good book, I like it quite a bit. But, in the book, there’s a part that was left out of the made-for-tv-so-it-has-to-be-appropriate-for-all-the-eight-year-olds-we’re-going-to-traumatize version.


I am, of course, referring to the obligatory gang-bang-in-the-sewer scene that you find in every tale of good versus evil. No, I’m not kidding. Starring 11-year-olds. No, I’m really not kidding.

How you gonna film that, Hollywood? Huh?

Hopefully they’ll leave that part out.

Speaking of things that would be difficult to translate into film,** I’ve been listening to Pandora at work a lot lately. Little tip for Pandora users: Make a Beatles station.

Anyway, I hadn’t listened to Pandora in a while, because I have a problem with it. Now, according to a casual survey of about three people I asked a couple months ago, I’m the only person who considers this a problem, but may I share it with you anyway?

The problem I have with Pandora is that it plays music that’s all the same. I get that that’s the idea, but I also thought that it would use my initial band or song as a jumping off point, and that it might stray from that exact kind of song occasionally. I guess I’m the only person who has Tom Petty, Ani DiFranco and Buffy the Musical on the same playlist.

Anyway, having not been to the site in a while, I was delighted when I visited on Tuesday and it connected with my facebook page to make a station based on what bands I said I liked on facebook. My first thought: Awesome! My second thought: Crap, I haven’t updated that in a while, I should make sure it has all the stuff I’m obsessed with right now. So I did that.

Now, a lot of the stuff I have listed is chick singers who all kind of sound alike, like Ingrid Michaelson, Feist, Mirah, etc. So I figured I’d add some other stuff I like to add variety. So I add RHCP and System of a Down, just to give some depth. And of course, as we all know, Feist + System of a Down = Metallica. I find no flaw in your math, Pandora. However:

I fucking hate Metallica.

And no, old Metallica is not any better. They always sucked.

Three Metallica songs in 10 minutes. After I thumbs-down 3 Metallica songs, you’d think that might indicate that I don’t like Metallica. Well, unless you’re Pandora, that is.

So that’s when I created my Beatles station. That, plus my well-fitting pants turned my whole day around.

*Cutting Edge Segue #1
**Cutting Edge Segue #2 You know Pandora would be difficult to translate into a movie. Don’t even act like I’m wrong.

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