Tag Archives: lists

Real advice now available for human testing.

All right, out of the thousands and thousands of questions you all submitted, I have chosen one:

Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold? I like blue sky, hate the cold. Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold. And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring? (last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.)

– Wearing Frozen Clothes in Texas

Okay, that’s a lot. We’ll take this in pieces.

Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold?

Because Blue has a dark side, a very, very dark side. Always bring a witness with you when visiting Blue, and don’t inquire about the smell coming from the crawl space.

I like blue sky, hate the cold.

That’s not a question, but yeah. He’s a bastard.

Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold.

Still not a question.

And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring?

Ah, here we go. I have a lot of ideas, so I’ll just lay them out for you.

Build a small fire underneath your washer to melt the ice.

Move to a tropical climate.

Throw some salt in there. Wait, does salt actual melt the ice, or does it just give you traction for walking on ice? Whatever, it’s still worth a shot.

Two words: ice pick.

Boil some water and toss it in there. But you’ll have to keep boiling water so you have an infinite supply, because this would be a very slow process. Also, try not to burn yourself while fishing your clothes out.

Do you really even like those clothes? Wouldn’t you rather have new clothes? I think you see where I’m going with this.

Wait for spring, which should be a couple days away according to the news guy.

(last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.

Hmm, if this is a repeat problem, you may want to look at these two situations and see what the common denominator is: you. And also your washing machine. And winter.

So you should probably change all those things, and then the problem will take of itself.

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What do Chris Hardwick, David Duchovny, and panties all have in common?

I wore a dress to work today. It’s dress day.

However, a complication has arisen.

When I put the dress on this morning, I had trouble zipping it. Now, before we even go down this path, let me say that this dress fits me just fine. It’s not tight at all. There’s no reason that I shouldn’t be able to zip it easily, even though it’s an under-the-armpit zipper, which tends to throw me. But still the zipper was giving me trouble, like it was mocking me. “Hey, look, fatty can’t zip up her own dress.”

Shut up, stupid dress.

So anyway, I had to get my husband to zip it.

So I get to work, sit down and feel a slight chill on my rib cage. I look down and see a patch of skin.

I’m thinking, did he not zip it all the way? So I feel around for the zipper. As I’m feeling, the zipper opens up more and more, until it’s completely open. It’s at this point that I realize the fastener part of the zipper is at the top. The zipper is broken.

I have no recourse. No safety pins, no change of clothes. Adam has the car today, so I can’t even go home to change.

So, here I sit, with my dress unzipped. Exposed. Vulnerable.

I really hope my boss doesn’t come by today.

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Things that people have searched for on google that brought them to this blog:

  • David Duchovny
  • Natalie Portman panties
  • “panties with band on the side”
  • Grateful Dead panties
  • laughed pee panties
  • Chris Hardwick hair
  • dyed pubic hair

This blog is your source for nerdy comedians and all things ladyparts. And David Duchovny.

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Why haven’t you been listening to the Pop Culture Happy Hour on NPR?

Here, go now.

Need a teaser quote to get you interested? How about this:

“It’s like a giant iceberg of gay. And my backyard is drier because of it. A gayberg.”

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Speaking of links you need to click:

Do you like socks? Tights? Leg warmers? All three?

Go here. And buy me something while you’re there.

I like the really tall socks that go all the way up to my thighs.

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I was introduced to this band by a facebook friend.

I’m obsessed with them now. You should be, too.

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That’s it for me today. What random stuff is on your mind?

We can’t be friends if you won’t open up to me.

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I dedicate this Random Day to my friend Sophie.

Things you can do in a parking lot while you’re waiting for someone else to get to the office because you forgot your keys:

  • Play games on your phone.
  • Text people who have nothing better to do than post a blog that 12 people read (but one of them might be Chris Hardwick, so shut your filthy mouth).
  • Stalk your enemies on facebook.
  • Kick rocks.
  • Check that your tires have the proper amount of air in them.
  • Short nap.
  • Pick a flower and play “he loves me, he loves me not” (just make sure the flower has an odd number of petals).
  • Run to the store to buy some sidewalk chalk and start decorating.
  • Test how secure your office really is by breaking a window or two.
  • Look for penis-shaped clouds in the sky.
  • Prank call some people.
  • Make yourself an impromptu breakfast using only what you find in your car – several sonic mints and half a pack of cigarettes.
  • Contemplate your existence.
  • Write “Don’t wash me, I like to be dirty” in the dirt on someone’s window.
  • Call in sick and go back to bed.

There you go, Soph. Plenty of options.

(If anyone has some better options, please leave them in the comments.)

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Guilty Pleasure movies, minus the guilt. Because I have no shame.

I like a lot of movies that some may consider “bad.” Here’s some hidden gems that you should watch in spite of the gag reflex that may engage when you see the titles.

Sugar & Spice – Yes, it’s a movie about cheerleaders who rob a bank. But, listen. I promise you, this movie is so much better than you think it is. Remember James Marsden as the goofy, empty-headed prince in Enchanted? This is where he perfected that act.  And it has Marley Shelton as a cliche-spouting pregnant cheerleader. Mena Suvari being a bitch. Melissa George obsessed with Conan O’Brien. Marla Sokoloff narrates it. Seriously, fabulous movie.

Josie and the Pussycats – This has Alan Cumming and Parker Posey. That should be enough reason right there. But it also has surprisingly catchy music and Tara Reid in one of two roles she’s ever had that don’t make you want to kill her. Also? Donald Faison, Seth Green, and Breckin Meyer in a boy band. Come on.

Galaxy QuestStar Trek-style has-been actors thrown into space for real. Honestly, I shouldn’t even have to tell you about this one. You should already know about it, own the dvd, and be able to lip sync along with the characters. Sigourney Weaver and Alan Rickman are why you come, but Sam Rockwell is why you stay.

Dude, Where’s My Car? – Yes, it’s a stoner movie, and yes, it’s got Ashton Kutcher. But! It also has Seann William Scott. And Marla Sokoloff again. Coincidence? I don’t know, maybe. But still, the movie is great. Aliens! Cults! Ostriches! Bubble wrap! Fabio! How can you resist? Bonus: hot guys making out.

Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion – In addition to the awesome soundtrack and award-winning cast (Lisa Kudrow, Mira Sorvino, Alan Cumming again), this is also a really funny, very quotable movie. And Janeane Garofalo’s in it, doing what she does best: bitching about stuff.

Evolution – This is how I like my David Duchovny: showing his butt to people. Orlando Jones is also wonderful. And Seann William Scott is in it. Again. Clearly some patterns are emerging here. This movie is about an alien invasion, sort of. Also, it was originally written as a straight drama/thriller/sci-fi/horror, but was wisely turned into a comedy. I don’t know that that adds any value, but I thought it was interesting.

Jennifer’s Body – If you aren’t laughing while you’re watching this movie, you’re doing it wrong. Plus, any movie that makes Megan Fox seem like she’s actually acting deserves some credit. And it has Adam Brody as the lead singer of a satanic indie band. *contented sigh* I adore him. If I’d been born ten years later than I was, he’d be my Jason Bateman.

So, what have we learned? We’ve learned that if there was a movie about high school that had aliens in it and starred Seann William Scott, Alan Cumming and Marla Sokoloff, it would be the most underrated masterpiece of all time.

Do you think I’m crazy, and now you’ll never trust any movie recommendations I give you? What underrated movies do you love? Let’s share.

UPDATED: My husband pointed out that I forgot to mention Mean Girls. To which I responded, “Do people really think Mean Girls is a bad movie?” It’s written by Tina Fey, for kittens’ sake. And stars Rachel McAdams. (Don’t let the poster fool you. Lindsay Lohan is the main character, but Rachel McAdams steals the movie. And so does Lizzy Caplan.)

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Shelby looks forward to your hate mail, too.

This is my first-ever blog-by-request. Any complaints about anything in this post can be directed to my friend Shelby in the comments. I’m sure she’ll be happy to answer any questions you may have.

Some backstory: I have 4 close friends who live in all different places, making it very difficult for us to ever see each other. So we use twitter to talk to each other. For any of you who are going to comment on how stupid twitter is, and how it’s only used by losers who want to tell everyone what they had for lunch, please do comment. I’m developing a response right now, and I can’t wait to tell it to you.

Anyway, yesterday I was tweeting some of my random crap and getting no responses, so I idly wondered, “Am I the only one still alive? Did the rapture come and somehow you guys all got into heaven? Where is everyone?”

So we got into a discussion about which of us was more likely to get into heaven (apparently me, not sure why), and what exactly the guidelines are for getting into heaven, and I mentioned that “punching random people in the face” was not allowed.

So Shelby said I should write a post about what you could do that would keep you out of heaven. So here’s the list.

(I should probably note here that I’ve been told many times, by many different people – some of them good friends of mine – that I’m going to hell. I certainly have not been a perfect angel my entire life – or any one part of it – but I’ve never committed a violent crime or stolen anything that would be missed. I have only been told I’m going to hell in response to things I said. I know I talk a lot of shit, but…really?)

Things that will keep you from getting into (my version of) heaven:

  • Punching random people in the face.
  • Driving a Hummer if you’re not fighting in a war. Figurative or conceptual wars do not count as real wars.
  • Asking someone a question, then not listening to the answer.
  • Calling people stupid because they have a different opinion than you. I’m not stupid for liking Dude, Where’s My Car?, any more than you’re stupid for liking Vanilla Sky. Although I think a case could be made for the latter.
  • Taking credit for someone else’s work.
  • Forcing anyone to do anything against their will. I’m not talking about making your 5-year-old take a bath. I’m not talking about telling your employee to get back to work. Let’s use some common sense here.
  • Taking things too literally.
  • Using honesty as an excuse to be a raging asshole.
  • Responding to words with violence.
  • Thinking you’re better than another person.

A note about lying: Lying sucks. You shouldn’t do it. But we all know that there are situations where it’s not only understandable, it’s the right thing to do. There is only one lie that you can tell that will keep you out of (my version of) heaven: Telling someone you’ve forgiven them if you haven’t.

Things that will never, not in a million years, keep you out of (my version of) heaven:

  • Having consensual sex with any person (or persons) who can be legally and emotionally considered an adult.
  • Joking about religion.
  • Talking about religion.
  • Having an opinion about religion.
  • Having an opinion about anything, even if you’re wrong, as long as you are willing to listen to other opinions and intelligently defend your own.
  • Drinking alcohol.
  • Dancing.
  • Wearing makeup.
  • Wearing revealing clothes.
  • Wearing clothes that are not traditionally worn by people of your gender.
  • Learning to read.
  • Having an idea.
  • Making a mistake.
  • Not believing in heaven, or hell, or original sin, or god, or whatever other concept you might come up with.

I know that seems contradictory. Here’s the thing, though. I’ve had people in my life who haven’t believed in me. Some of them were very close to me, and it hurt a lot when they didn’t believe in me. But I forgave them eventually. And I’m not even close to being the nicest person on earth. So I kind of feel like god, or whoever you might believe in (or not), should at least be nicer than me.

By the way, my heaven has alcohol and sex and bouncy houses. You know you want to get into my heaven.

Okay, that’s it. I look forward to your hate mail.

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Random + List-y = Randlistomy!

Strategies I use to concentrate on my job that never work on Friday:

  • Listening to TV shows streamed on Netflix to entertain myself while making spreadsheets. (I end up watching. With popcorn.)
  • A reward system: Do x amount of work, get 10 minutes of free internet time. (10 minutes becomes the rest of the day very quickly.)
  • Only do my recreational internetting at lunch. (Just lunch becomes the rest of the day very quickly.)
  • Getting all my recreational internetting out of the way first thing, so I’m not tempted to do it later. (I’m sure you see where that’s going .)

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Names I call my cat that she more-or-less answers to:

  • Kasima
  • Kasima Catinu
  • Kittle (Little + Kitty. I make up a lot of words this way.)
  • Beached Kitty (when she’s all bloated and stretched out on her back)
  • Hey You Cat
  • My property (Yes, I call her this on a semi-regular basis so she doesn’t get uppity.)

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Names I never call my cat:

  • Her actual name

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Mitch Hedberg non sequiturs that I always want to throw out in conversation, but never do because I know no one would get it but me:

  • Red means where the fuck did you get that banana at.
  • A message of hope from your friends at Yoplait.
  • Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut.
  • Man, you really like Tide.
  • That tree is far away!

Speaking of Mitch Hedberg, I have a pair of panties signed by him.

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Other celebrities I want to have sign my panties:

  • Craig Ferguson
  • Jon Stewart
  • Eddie Izzard
  • David Letterman
  • Conan O’Brien
  • Amy Sedaris
  • Kristen Wiig
  • Tina Fey
  • Bill Murray

No, Jason Bateman is not on this list. I’d be way too embarrassed.

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Super powers I’d never want to have:

  • Immortality
  • X-ray vision
  • Laser vision
  • Anything with weird vision, really
  • The power to control sea creatures
  • Seismology-related powers
  • Telepathy

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Seemingly lame super powers I’d like to have:

  • Anything weather-related. I would totally spend all day lying on my back in my yard, making tornadoes in the sky.
  • Super hearing. Yes, I like to eavesdrop. I don’t care if that makes me nosy. I want to hear what you’re saying.
  • The power to kill people with my hair.

Basically, I don’t want to make a career out of my super ability. I’d rather keep it as a hobby.

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That’ll do it for today, folks. Feel free to add a random list of your own in the comments. Or feel free to just read and not comment, like you were never here at all.

Are you ashamed to be seen with me?

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List-y

I’m very easily influenced. I’m that person who buys cleaning products because the packaging is really cute. Here’s a list of things I want to do because I saw it on tv or in a movie:

  • Cut bangs. (500 Days of Summer, the last two seasons of Gilmore Girls)
  • Play baseball. In a skirt. (A League of Their Own)
  • Join a roller derby team. (Whip It)
  • Be the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy. (Center Stage)
  • Eat a huge plate of pasta. (Defending Your Life. Watch it and tell me you don’t feel the same.)
  • Go shopping. (Unnamed Hugh Jackman/Anne Hathaway Project)
  • Start a crime syndicate. (The Godfather Part II)
  • Go on a road trip. (Any movie with a road trip)
  • Pick up hitchhikers. (Thelma and Louise)
  • Not pick up hitchhikers. (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
  • Live in Baltimore. (Hairspray. Both versions. And Pecker.)
  • Throw a drink in someone’s face. (How I Met Your Mother)
  • Have sex with a vampire. (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
  • Be best friends with Abed. (Community)
  • Break shit. (Zombieland)
  • Blow shit up. (Mythbusters)
  • Shoot a guy. (Thelma and Louise again)
  • Shoot lots of guys. (True Lies)
  • Never try heroin. (Trainspotting)
  • Experience space travel. (Galaxy Quest)
  • Never experience space travel. (Alien, et al.)
  • Be best friends with a robot. (Futurama. Also, Terminator 2. He’ll kill all your enemies. My friends say they’ll do that, but they have yet to act on it.)
  • Give an inspiring speech. (Braveheart)
  • Wear face paint. (Braveheart)
  • Defeat the British. (Braveheart. No offense, in-laws. Love ya!)
  • Marry Jason Bateman (Everything ever. This is a constant state of being.)

Some of these I’ve done. I’ll let you figure out which ones.

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