Tag Archives: like a bird in a whale’s mouth

Busy week = short post

Guys.

I’m really sick of the phrase “well played.”

Anyone with me on this? It’s everywhere. Commercials, tv shows, podcasts, fabulous amazing wonderful stupendous blogs that I follow religiously (click).

Every time I hear it (or read it, though to a lesser extent), I twitch. And I don’t need yet another thing making me look weird in public. I have so many weird things already.

You know what phrase I don’t hear enough of? “Like a bird in a whale’s mouth.” That project went nowhere.

(I’m sort of hoping that it’s actually caught on in some little niche group halfway around the world, and it will pop up on some soft news story about the new trends in, like, Tokyo or somewhere. )

But in my heart I know the truth. “Like a bird in a whale’s mouth” is dead.

Unless you people revive it. Think of it as an early birthday present.

Because my birthday is this month. If you didn’t know.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Like a bird in a whale’s mouth. Now it’s in the title. There, Google, is that what you wanted?

I’m currently having a clothing crisis where none of my pants fit me anymore, but I’m too lazy to exercise. I predict this stalemate will last until I have enough money to buy new pants.

***

My phone at work is super static-y. I’ve been raised by television and movies to believe that this means my phone is tapped. I’m sure it’s because of all that stuff I said on twitter while Barack Obama was one of my followers.

***

I didn’t say anything too terrible. But I think I did talk about blowing stuff up once or twice. I was just joking, Barack. I figured you’d have a sense of humor about it.

***

I’m the only person who works in my office, so a lot of the time I’ll take off my shoes and walk around barefoot. And I sometimes wear tank tops with little sweaters over them, but if it gets too hot, I’ll take the sweater off. And because of the pants issue, I walk around with my pants unbuttoned. So what I’m saying is, if you stop by my office, I’ll essentially be half-naked.

***

“Like a bird in whale’s mouth” still has no google hits. But I’ve put it on this blog – twice. It’s on the internet, Google. Stop trying to thwart my plan by refusing to show it in search results. And also, stop trying to prevent me from getting new blog readers who searched for the phrase “like a bird in a whale’s mouth.” Let’s work together, Google.

***

From now on, any time I insult someone, I’m going to add, “Also, your face is stupid.” It’s like a bonus insult. And their face probably is stupid.

***

Please continue the randomness in the comments. All four of you who read this.

UPDATE: Google listened! That was instant.  Hooray for technology!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Friday is Random Day

Well, okay, for me every day is Random Day. But officially, on this blog, only Friday is Random Day.

Here goes:

I think we should change the phrase from “crazy like a fox” to “crazy like a velociraptor.” It’s much more apt. But maybe I’ve been reading too much xkcd.

***

Due to a discussion on facebook about this dress, and how it makes me want to star in a musical about shopping, now all I can think about is how somebody needs to make a musical about shopping. It can star Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman, with music by Joss Whedon. Choreography by whoever did Xanadu.

I’m on to something here.

***

I have a back-up camera in my car, but I don’t trust it. I’ll start out looking at the screen before I back up, which seems to tell me that there’s nothing behind me. But  then I’ll get paranoid and turn around really quick to see if something’s hiding just outside the camera’s line of sight. Then, since there’s nothing there,  I’ll turn back to the screen with a guilty conscience. It’s not my fault, Back-up Camera. I was raised to believe that cameras couldn’t be trusted. That they’d steal your soul and add ten pounds. I’m sorry. I’d love to say that I’ll never doubt you again, but I’m afraid that’s just a promise I can’t keep.

***

Sometimes, my husband reads me so well that I start to wonder if he can read my mind. Then I think, no, I have countless examples of times he said ridiculous, thoughtless things that he would never have said if he could read my mind. Then I think, what if he’s trying to throw me off the track by saying those stupid things, so he can continue reading my mind without me getting suspicious? So then I’ll think about something really outrageous that would surely get a reaction out of him, like an elaborate scene of slapstick midget porn. And he doesn’t react.

I still think he’s just trying to throw me off the scent. I’m on to you, buddy.

***

My (formerly) secret reason for starting this blog is so that I can meet The Bloggess and become best friends with her.

***

If you haven’t already heard, I’m trying to get the phrase “like a bird in a whale’s mouth” on tv. It’s a thing. It’s supposed to be sort of an experiment, like when you’d write your name on a dollar and see if it ever came back to you. But now I’m thinking of it as trying to get something I wrote on television. Anyway, help spread the word!

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized