Tag Archives: jason bateman

Random Day

I don’t have a lot to say on this random day. Let’s see if I can dig down deep and scavenge some material.

Have you guys been watching Sons of Anarchy? Why not?!

It’s so good. I spent all of last week watching the first two seasons. I’m hooked now. I’m highly susceptible to television addiction.

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All my favorite tv shows are about to be back on. Like Community. With guest star Betty White. Seriously, they’re making this show just for me.

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My husband sent me this link. It’s way better than you think it will be (considering it’s called Mario Kart Love Song).

If you’ve never played Mario Kart, it might not make sense to you. But you should watch it anyway.

Also, if you’ve never played Mario Kart, there’s a tiny mustache-shaped hole in your soul. Rectify that.

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How is it possible that I did not know about Red Band Trailer with Diablo Cody?

It’s a 10-minute interview/guessing game hosted by Diablo Cody. She invites people she’s worked with to do the show and interviews them in an Airstream trailer.

And who has Diablo Cody worked with that also happens to be my number one marital exemption?

Oh yeah.

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Okay, that’s all I got today. Give me a topic in the comments and I’ll try to come up with some more opinions about stuff. And cool links and such.

What I’m saying is, I’m nothing without you. Help me out, would you?

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P.S. After I write these things, I hit spellcheck just to make sure I’m not grossly incompetent.

It’s unreasonable, but I feel tremendous pride when it pops up and says “No writing errors were found.”

Yeah. I’m perfect.

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I also saw that time you kicked a dog. And I’m telling.

Years ago, I discovered Joyas Jewelry. I can’t remember how I discovered it, which is a shame because I’d like to have someone to thank. I am in love with this site.

And it’s not the jewelry. Don’t get me wrong – there’s a lot of beautiful jewelry there. But her descriptions are wonderful.

Here’s a sample description, for a necklace called “Bond, Jane Bond”:

I said shaken, not stirred bitch.

That’s the whole description.

Another example, for a necklace called “Canadian Excitement”:

I get really excited to learn about talented Canadian actors…my newest favourite is Michael Cera. He’s the reason I started watching Arrested Development. Although since starting to watch it I’ve redeveloped a crush on Jason Bateman – the original crush was from Teen Wolf Too and the Hogan Family.

Do you see how I have no choice but to love her? Not only does she love Jason Bateman, but she spells favorite with a U. Ahh, Canadians.

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I’m trying to use the word “awesome” less. Some alternatives I’m trying out: magnificent, wonderful, lovely, glorious and transcendent.

I believe my over-use of awesome started when I netflixed all the seasons of How I Met Your Mother. I should be angry at Neil Patrick Harris. But, let’s be serious. Is that even possible?

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When I went shopping last weekend, I bought a dandelion cardigan. I’m theme dressing. And the theme is “Weeds and Blogging.” I should just go ahead and buy forty cats and start chasing the neighborhood kids away with a broom.

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I have a long-standing obsession with dandelions, which you may have already guessed. (They’re the only flower you can wish on. Wishes, people!) I’ve been thinking about getting a dandelion tattoo for years. I just don’t have any room in my budget for body art. Time to start a savings account I guess.

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One of the tools this blogging site gives me is the power to see my referrals, which is where you blog-clickers all come from. Since nobody ever links to my site, the referrals are usually from facebook. But any time I link to other blogs, their blog posts a trackback to my site, so I sometimes get a sort of self-referral from another site.

One such site is Nerdist.com, which, you’ll recall, is Chris Hardwick’s site. I have this sort of blind hope that it’s actually Chris who clicked on the trackback and saw my blog. And if so, I have this to say to you, Chris:

I’m sorry I called you the poor man’s Joel McHale. I was just trying to be funny. Please don’t be mad at me. And also, would you sign my underwear?

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Speaking of Nerdist, and vain attempts to get Chris Hardwick to click on my trackback (again), you should go watch this video of wall animation. It’s animated graffiti, and it’s transcendent.

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Since wordpress shows me referrals, but I don’t actually get referrals, what I’m actually seeing a lot of the time is whatever site someone happened to be on before they came to my site.

But don’t let that stop you from visiting those sex sites before you read my blog.

Don’t worry, I can’t see who you are. But I have some guesses.

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By the way, I know I called dandelions weeds up there. But don’t you call them that. It’s okay when I do it, because dandelions are like family to me. You can insult your own family. Right, Mom and Dad?

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A master class in segue-writing

Okay, I have three topics I want to cover today, and it’s not random day, so brace yourself for some cutting edge segues.

First up:

I went shopping this weekend. It was a roller coaster ride, let me tell you. Turns out, shopping isn’t quite as fun when you’ve gained weight.

So, my first day of shopping, I decided to go to the cheapest places first – Goodwill and thrift stores. The fun thing about these places is that there isn’t any kind of uniform sizing, so every trip to the dressing room is full of surprises. You could be trying on a size 8 from 2010 or a size 8 from 1985, which are very different because of a phenomenon known as “vanity sizing.” If you are not a girl, you most likely don’t have to deal with vanity sizing. Vanity sizing is what happens when we, as a society, attach some sort of value to the size of the clothing we wear. Basically, it means that a size 6 is not what it once was. So all those people who like to comfort overweight women by saying, “You know, Marilyn Monroe wore a size 16” are being a little disingenuous. Marilyn Monroe’s size 16 was something like our size 6.

So what this means if you shop at Goodwill is that you can bring four pairs of size 8 pants into the fitting room, and only one of them comes close to fitting. Close to fitting. Not quite there.

So I left Goodwill empty-handed. And, contrary to the name on the door, with absolutely no good will. Liars.

I visited two more thrift stores that day, same results, each time with even less good will. Which, if you’ll recall, I had none of when I left Goodwill. So I ended the day at about -10 good will. With no new clothes.

Since I had such a shitty time shopping on the first day, my husband promised me that he would take me shopping on Monday and chauffeur me around and carry my bags and not complain at all. It sounds like an impossible task, but this is the man who puts up with me and my never-ending pile of bullshit every single day. If anyone can do it, he can.

He lasted through three stores and about five conversations that ended with me saying, “Oh my god, just give me an opinion! You’re so bad at this.”

My hero. *sigh* You know, he might be better than Jason Bateman. Might.

Ah, Jason Bateman.

Oh! I forgot that the reason I told you the shopping story is that I am now the proud owner of several pairs of pants that actually fit! Yay me! And I’ve now realized what a profound effect properly fitting clothes have on my mood. Which is kind of scary. I mean, that something so small could change my entire outlook on life. (This might not seem particularly scary to you, but I guarantee you, my husband is freaking the fuck out right now. Yeah, dude, that’s what you’re dealing with.)

What was I talking about? Oh, right. Jason Bateman. Mmmmmm.

Speaking of obsessions that started in childhood but have somehow survived the growing up process and continue to plague me to this day,* I’m scared of clowns.

Like most people around my age, I can pinpoint exactly when this fear started: Stephen King’s It. I, of course, am not talking about the book. I’m talking about the tv miniseries that aired in 1990 and starred Tim Curry as the scariest clown ever conceived. If you have never seen this miniseries, I recommend you Netflix it right now. I’m not going to tell you much except that Tim Curry plays a clown that is the embodiment of evil and lives in the sewer and in the end turns out to be, like most Stephen King villains, a giant spider.

Oh, um, spoiler alert I guess.

But seriously, even if you haven’t seen it, you just have to imagine Tim Curry as a clown and you’re pretty much where me and all the other 8-year-olds were when that aired.

So, in keeping with the current trend of remaking movies that don’t need to be remade, a reboot of It is in the works. I can’t imagine this working.

First of all, you’ve got Tim Curry as the villain. I know I’ve already said that, but I just don’t think you can get past it. It’s like replacing Jaws in Jaws with…anything other than Jaws. You’ve already attained perfection. How can you go beyond that?

In addition, the miniseries has a running time of 193 minutes. I know there are a lot of movies out now that run longer than three hours, but I hardly think that’s something we should be perpetuating. I tend to agree with Alfred Hitchcock, who said that the length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. And I don’t have a three-hour bladder.

Here’s the other thing. I don’t know how many of you have actually read It. You should. It’s a good book, I like it quite a bit. But, in the book, there’s a part that was left out of the made-for-tv-so-it-has-to-be-appropriate-for-all-the-eight-year-olds-we’re-going-to-traumatize version.

***OH MY GOD. SPOILER ALERT. JUST READ THE BOOK. JESUS.***

I am, of course, referring to the obligatory gang-bang-in-the-sewer scene that you find in every tale of good versus evil. No, I’m not kidding. Starring 11-year-olds. No, I’m really not kidding.

How you gonna film that, Hollywood? Huh?

Hopefully they’ll leave that part out.

Speaking of things that would be difficult to translate into film,** I’ve been listening to Pandora at work a lot lately. Little tip for Pandora users: Make a Beatles station.

Anyway, I hadn’t listened to Pandora in a while, because I have a problem with it. Now, according to a casual survey of about three people I asked a couple months ago, I’m the only person who considers this a problem, but may I share it with you anyway?

The problem I have with Pandora is that it plays music that’s all the same. I get that that’s the idea, but I also thought that it would use my initial band or song as a jumping off point, and that it might stray from that exact kind of song occasionally. I guess I’m the only person who has Tom Petty, Ani DiFranco and Buffy the Musical on the same playlist.

Anyway, having not been to the site in a while, I was delighted when I visited on Tuesday and it connected with my facebook page to make a station based on what bands I said I liked on facebook. My first thought: Awesome! My second thought: Crap, I haven’t updated that in a while, I should make sure it has all the stuff I’m obsessed with right now. So I did that.

Now, a lot of the stuff I have listed is chick singers who all kind of sound alike, like Ingrid Michaelson, Feist, Mirah, etc. So I figured I’d add some other stuff I like to add variety. So I add RHCP and System of a Down, just to give some depth. And of course, as we all know, Feist + System of a Down = Metallica. I find no flaw in your math, Pandora. However:

I fucking hate Metallica.

And no, old Metallica is not any better. They always sucked.

Three Metallica songs in 10 minutes. After I thumbs-down 3 Metallica songs, you’d think that might indicate that I don’t like Metallica. Well, unless you’re Pandora, that is.

So that’s when I created my Beatles station. That, plus my well-fitting pants turned my whole day around.

*Cutting Edge Segue #1
**Cutting Edge Segue #2 You know Pandora would be difficult to translate into a movie. Don’t even act like I’m wrong.

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The argument for twitter

Okay, I mentioned a while ago that I was formulating a response to anyone who said twitter was stupid, and my friend Bethany decided she had to hear it.

First, I fear I may have given the wrong impression when I made my initial remarks, because this isn’t going to be a “You’re Stupid Because You Disagree With Me” rant, more  a “Why Don’t We All Open Our Minds And We Can Enjoy The World Together” polite request. At least that’s my intention going into this. We’ll see where it actually ends up.

Here’s the thing about twitter. It’s just like any other bit of technology. It’s a tool. In and of itself, it’s not evil or good, stupid or noble. It’s up to the users to determine its disposition. And just like how some people use Facebook to play Farmville and some people use it to start a revolution, twitter is used to all ends.

To be honest, I don’t know how anyone can argue that twitter is just for people who want to tell everyone what they had for lunch anymore. After the Iran Twitter Revolution, I think it’s pretty clear that it’s a valuable tool. But even in everyday, slightly mundane use, twitter is not just for people with no friends in real life. Marketing professionals use it to get word out about their products and services. You can use it to actually talk to your favorite celebrities, instead of just pining. Some people (me) use it to stay in touch with friends that they (I) wouldn’t otherwise get to talk to for weeks at a time.

And here’s the other thing about twitter. You don’t have to have any part of it. It’s optional. You don’t want to hear about what somebody had for lunch? Don’t follow people who tell you what they had for lunch. This is the major thing that I don’t understand about people who are morally opposed to twitter. Twitter is like sending a mass text, except you’re only sending it to people who already said they want to get texts from you. It’s people talking to people who want to be talked to. It’s not just a bunch of people yelling into a void. It’s a conversation.

And yeah, sometimes it’s a conversation about what someone had for lunch. Is that really so bad?

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Some updates and addendums

RE: Tight-fitting pants:

I’ve decided I’m going to lose some weight. This was brought on by a doctor’s visit where they actually said my weight out loud where people could hear. Rude.

So, my method of weight-loss is actually pretty simple, and it’s worked for me any time I needed to be a different size than what I currently am/was (this includes both weight gain and weight loss). I get rid of all the too-small clothes and spend a little money to buy clothes that fit me. As soon as I no longer have the smaller clothes and I’ve actually shelled out money for new ones, I’ll magically lose the weight because apparently my body is morally opposed to wearing clothes that fit.

This is similar to the method I use to find a lost pair of sunglasses. I buy a new pair, and I invariably find the lost pair the same day, sometimes while the tag is still on the new pair.

Also, I’m going to start riding my bike around my adorable new neighborhood.

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RE: Names I call my cat:

I forgot to add “Purr Factory.” She assembles and distributes purrs.

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RE: Celebrities I want to have sign my underwear:

I’m adding Donald Glover to that list. I just adore him. And someone I forgot: Carrie Fisher.

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RE: Dreams I have when watching a lot of a particular show:

Once we get a new modem that does wired and wireless internet simultaneously, I will be able to resume watching Arrested Development on Netflix via the PS3. I’m really looking forward to this, because it gives me Jason Bateman dreams. Mmmmmm, Jason Bateman.

By the way, I’m watching Arrested Development for the first time. I never watched it when it originally came on, and I cannot remember why. I mean, not only does it have Jason Bateman, it also has Jeffrey Tambor, Portia de Rossi (Oh, Better Off Ted, how I miss you), and David Cross. And it’s that quirky kind of comedy that I always like.  And it’s got Alia Shawkat, who, though I couldn’t have known this at the time, I would fall in love with years later when I watched Whip It. Seriously, if someone was creating a television show as a gift to me, it would be Arrested Development.

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I think that’s all the updates for now. Remind me to tell you about my doctor’s visit later. Here’s a teaser for you: it involves a fairly detailed description of my butt.

And I’ll leave you with that thought.

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Random + List-y = Randlistomy!

Strategies I use to concentrate on my job that never work on Friday:

  • Listening to TV shows streamed on Netflix to entertain myself while making spreadsheets. (I end up watching. With popcorn.)
  • A reward system: Do x amount of work, get 10 minutes of free internet time. (10 minutes becomes the rest of the day very quickly.)
  • Only do my recreational internetting at lunch. (Just lunch becomes the rest of the day very quickly.)
  • Getting all my recreational internetting out of the way first thing, so I’m not tempted to do it later. (I’m sure you see where that’s going .)

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Names I call my cat that she more-or-less answers to:

  • Kasima
  • Kasima Catinu
  • Kittle (Little + Kitty. I make up a lot of words this way.)
  • Beached Kitty (when she’s all bloated and stretched out on her back)
  • Hey You Cat
  • My property (Yes, I call her this on a semi-regular basis so she doesn’t get uppity.)

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Names I never call my cat:

  • Her actual name

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Mitch Hedberg non sequiturs that I always want to throw out in conversation, but never do because I know no one would get it but me:

  • Red means where the fuck did you get that banana at.
  • A message of hope from your friends at Yoplait.
  • Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut.
  • Man, you really like Tide.
  • That tree is far away!

Speaking of Mitch Hedberg, I have a pair of panties signed by him.

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Other celebrities I want to have sign my panties:

  • Craig Ferguson
  • Jon Stewart
  • Eddie Izzard
  • David Letterman
  • Conan O’Brien
  • Amy Sedaris
  • Kristen Wiig
  • Tina Fey
  • Bill Murray

No, Jason Bateman is not on this list. I’d be way too embarrassed.

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Super powers I’d never want to have:

  • Immortality
  • X-ray vision
  • Laser vision
  • Anything with weird vision, really
  • The power to control sea creatures
  • Seismology-related powers
  • Telepathy

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Seemingly lame super powers I’d like to have:

  • Anything weather-related. I would totally spend all day lying on my back in my yard, making tornadoes in the sky.
  • Super hearing. Yes, I like to eavesdrop. I don’t care if that makes me nosy. I want to hear what you’re saying.
  • The power to kill people with my hair.

Basically, I don’t want to make a career out of my super ability. I’d rather keep it as a hobby.

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That’ll do it for today, folks. Feel free to add a random list of your own in the comments. Or feel free to just read and not comment, like you were never here at all.

Are you ashamed to be seen with me?

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List-y

I’m very easily influenced. I’m that person who buys cleaning products because the packaging is really cute. Here’s a list of things I want to do because I saw it on tv or in a movie:

  • Cut bangs. (500 Days of Summer, the last two seasons of Gilmore Girls)
  • Play baseball. In a skirt. (A League of Their Own)
  • Join a roller derby team. (Whip It)
  • Be the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy. (Center Stage)
  • Eat a huge plate of pasta. (Defending Your Life. Watch it and tell me you don’t feel the same.)
  • Go shopping. (Unnamed Hugh Jackman/Anne Hathaway Project)
  • Start a crime syndicate. (The Godfather Part II)
  • Go on a road trip. (Any movie with a road trip)
  • Pick up hitchhikers. (Thelma and Louise)
  • Not pick up hitchhikers. (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
  • Live in Baltimore. (Hairspray. Both versions. And Pecker.)
  • Throw a drink in someone’s face. (How I Met Your Mother)
  • Have sex with a vampire. (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
  • Be best friends with Abed. (Community)
  • Break shit. (Zombieland)
  • Blow shit up. (Mythbusters)
  • Shoot a guy. (Thelma and Louise again)
  • Shoot lots of guys. (True Lies)
  • Never try heroin. (Trainspotting)
  • Experience space travel. (Galaxy Quest)
  • Never experience space travel. (Alien, et al.)
  • Be best friends with a robot. (Futurama. Also, Terminator 2. He’ll kill all your enemies. My friends say they’ll do that, but they have yet to act on it.)
  • Give an inspiring speech. (Braveheart)
  • Wear face paint. (Braveheart)
  • Defeat the British. (Braveheart. No offense, in-laws. Love ya!)
  • Marry Jason Bateman (Everything ever. This is a constant state of being.)

Some of these I’ve done. I’ll let you figure out which ones.

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