Tag Archives: it’s so fucking cold

A snow-related question.

Dear Empress of Real Advice,
Why are Texans bad drivers?
I find myself constantly yelling at drivers and this weeks epidemic has made matters worse. What on earth compels people to drive like monkeys on LSD?

– Expert on Drug Use in Animals

This is a complex issue. My first instinct is to say, it’s probably way more fun to drive like a monkey on LSD than it is to drive like a normal person. But upon further consideration, a paranoia-inducing drug in an animal that lacks the capacity for complex abstract thought is probably not all that fun.

But it does bring up an interesting idea: paranoia. Maybe the drivers know that you’re saying awful things about them behind their backs, and it’s affecting their driving.

Perhaps you should give the drivers the benefit of the doubt. If you assume every other person is racing to the hospital because they just heard that their wife is in labor, worries about bad road etiquette take a back seat to concerns about overpopulation.

Also, why are all these women going into labor at the same time? There’s a bigger conspiracy at play here.

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On Cold Weather

So, turns out there is such a thing as winter. I’d always thought it was a myth, but with each passing day I become more and more certain that when I die several decades from now, there will still be ice on the ground.  I would never make it in Montana.

Snow makes the dandelions go away. It is the dandelions’ only natural predator.

I’m pretty sure there is a solid layer of ice coating every single surface on earth right now, like at the end of Cat’s Cradle when Ice-9 gets dropped into the ocean. Maybe on some tropical island, there’s one lonely guy huddling over a puddle that holds the only liquid water left on the planet.

Cold weather makes me pessimistic.

So, there’s ice coating all the highways, and it’s sort of mottled and chipped off in places, and has turned dingy grey from the highway grime. It looks like the background of a Giger painting, but with fewer penises.

But I do like those abstract ice sculptures that form on the back bumper of people’s vehicles, right behind the tire. They look like Green Men.

For reference.

Anyway, I’m ready for summer. Which was here like a week ago, what the hell happened?

Stay tuned tomorrow, I’ll answer my first question! Submit yours today!

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