I’m Lindsay. I’ll be your blogger for this evening.
Some things you should know:
I say lots of random shit. I talk in analogies. A lot. And sometimes they don’t make sense until a couple of hours later when you’re watching tv and a commercial comes on that sort of reminds you of what we were talking about, then you’re like “Oh! That’s what she meant! I totally get it now!” (Wait a couple of hours. This will all make sense soon.)
I say “shit” sometimes. If you are my parents, I’m sorry. I blame the rated-R movies you let me watch when I was six.
I’ll probably say something that offends you at some point. If that happens follow these steps:
- Reread the thing I said that offended you, only this time, tell your inner voice to say it sarcastically. That will usually do the trick. If it doesn’t, proceed to step two.
- Check to see if you are under ten years of age, because I read once that if you’re under ten you can’t understand sarcasm. (This is helpful information if you are around under-ten-year-olds who love Hannah Montana and you want to express your opinion without upsetting the children. It’s like speaking in code.) If you’re over ten, and you’re still offended, proceed to the next step. If you’re under ten, stop reading. This blog will never be appropriate reading for ten-year-olds. Don’t blame me. My parents let me watch rated-R movies when I was six.
- Now, check to see if you’re just an asshole who gets offended really easily. That could be the problem. If not, proceed:
- Have you eaten? Sometimes when I haven’t eaten, I get really over-sensitive and irritable. Have a snack, and see if that helps.
- If you’ve gotten to this step, the only thing that can help is time. Time will give you perspective.
Okay, I think that’s all you need to know for now. I look forward to serving you. But not in that way. As a blogger.