Tag Archives: I’m weird

Very Mundane Randomness

I’m back after a couple weeks off. Did you miss me?

I went to the state fair last friday. It was awesome. But I should have brought an extra $300 so I could ride all the rides. I only got to ride one.

Also, I think fried Dr. Pepper is a myth. We couldn’t find it anywhere. I had a state fair corn dog, and it was really disappointing. But then I had Tornado Taters, which were wonderful. The food is really the best part of a fair. And the rides. And the crooked midway game operators. And the giant stuffed Scooby Doo’s you can win.

I love the fair.

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You know what else I love? Political attack ads. Funniest things on tv.

Here’s my current favorite:

Jet fuel?

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I also love local morning soft news shows. The ones that are like Good Morning America, only with local talent (or “talent”).

When I lived in Waco, there was a great morning news show. It was very apparent that the two anchor people had just begun sleeping together. The girl would start blushing every time the guy spoke to her. And then he would sort of nudge her affectionately.

I only wish I’d still lived in Waco when they broke up. I bet that was television gold.

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I have a costume party to attend this weekend! I’m not going to tell you what I’m going as, so as to surprise you with pictures.

Stay tuned early next week for a tutorial on how I made my costume.

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I had a conversation with my mom earlier today that was almost entirely about baked goods. I’m currently craving every kind of cookie. Recommendations, anyone?

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I give you…signed panties.

Lots has happened in the last three days. So much that I might have to split it up into several posts. We’ll start with the main event.

On Saturday, my husband and I drove down to Austin (with a stopover in Stephenville) to see Chris Hardwick.

I went to Stephenville to get my hair dyed. My appointment was early, so we had to get up at 8:00 am. Yuck.

After hair dyings and lunch, we drove three hours to Austin. Now, at this point, I did not have a pair of panties for Chris Hardwick to sign, because I figured, where better to find some panties than Austin?

We got to Austin with 3 hours until the doors opened at Cap City Comedy. That’s three hours to track down some panties. Seems reasonable.

Okay, first, in my defense, since we were in Austin, I wanted to get some really cool panties. So we go down Guadalupe looking for…I don’t know, a big sign that said, “Cool Panties 4 Sale,” with a bunch of dirty hippies out front.

I’m confident that such a place exists in Austin. But it is not on Guadalupe.

So after coming up empty on Guadalupe, I figured we could stroll down 6th Street, because I know there are panties for sale there. Unfortunately, before we made it to the Panty District, we got drenched in sweat and nearly died of heat exhaustion.

So we headed back to the car, pantiless, with only about an hour left to get to the venue.

We spotted a strip mall on the way, popped in, and, after some deliberation over color, picked a pair of plain old regular panties.

(Okay, I said “we” there, but I was really the one deciding. Adam offered the very helpful opinion of “Whatever you want.”)

Then we went to the show, but there was a problem with our tickets. Adam had purchased them online on Tuesday and received a confirmation email, but we didn’t seem to be on any lists.

Turns out, he accidentally bought tickets for the wrong day because of the confusing nature of the internet. We were still able to get in, but we no longer had super special reserved seating.

It wasn’t that big a deal, because the venue wasn’t terribly huge, so most seats were good seats. However, during the show, Chris kept talking to this one guy Tucker, who had been chatted up by one of the opening acts. Tucker had reserved seats, right at the edge of the stage.

That could have been us! Damn internet.

There were 2 openers. The first guy was great, second guy not as great. Then Chris came out and he was awesome. And he came out to the bar after the show to take pictures with people.

I waited til the very end to approach him. And I’m sad to say that I was the only person who asked him to sign an undergarment.

He was super-nice and even claimed to remember commenting on my blog, which I appreciated very much.

And look! Panties!

That, by the way, is what pi would look like if rendered in pubic hair.

And note where he signed:

Lovely.

So, in summary, Yay me! I have panties signed by Chris Hardwick. Next on the panty-signing list is Louis C.K., who is coming to Fort Worth in November.

Who else will be bringing their panties to that show, I wonder.

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I’m dumb.

Okay, now that I look at my picture of Johnny Five’s head compared to a real picture of Johnny Five’s head, the resemblance is questionable. It’s more like the head of Johnny Five’s loser cousin, Larry Five.

But anyway, here it is:

Compare to:

It’s the eyes.

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It’s two weeks til my birthday!

I’m going to see Scott Pilgrim vs. the World tonight. Excited!

Because I am a bit of a movie nerd (surprise!), I’ve been doing a little research on it, and, though I knew the co-writer/director Edgar Wright was involved in some of my favorite movies (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) – okay, involved is an understatement; he co-wrote and directed those movies as well – I did not know that he’s also REALLY HOT.

Hello, new celebrity crush.

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Did you guys hear that? That was the sound of Chris Hardwick breathing a huge sigh of relief.

But I’ll still be asking him to sign my underwear. (A different pair of underwear from the ones Mitch Hedberg signed, for those who had an opinion on the matter.)

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Am I the only one who, when I see a car accident on the way to the office, I think, “Well, at least they don’t have to go to work today”? And then I feel a little jealous?

I think it’s pretty safe to say that I have no grasp of real world consequences.

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My latest mini-gift in the month-long birthday extravaganza: An almost-legal copy of Bloodbath at the House of Death. I see a movie party in my future. And the futures of several friends, whether they like it or not.

By the way, I still haven’t played DuckTales. Anyone have a working NES I could borrow?

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On facebook, I “like” NPR and The Onion. But sometimes, when it’s early or I’m just not paying attention, I’ll read an NPR headline thinking it’s a headline from The Onion.

I spent a full minute this morning trying to figure out why “A Grandfather Dedicated to Easing Others’ Pain” is funny.

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Guys, I still don’t have a picture of Johnny Five’s head. One day, I promise.

Maybe if I put the right cable in my purse the night before.

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I also saw that time you kicked a dog. And I’m telling.

Years ago, I discovered Joyas Jewelry. I can’t remember how I discovered it, which is a shame because I’d like to have someone to thank. I am in love with this site.

And it’s not the jewelry. Don’t get me wrong – there’s a lot of beautiful jewelry there. But her descriptions are wonderful.

Here’s a sample description, for a necklace called “Bond, Jane Bond”:

I said shaken, not stirred bitch.

That’s the whole description.

Another example, for a necklace called “Canadian Excitement”:

I get really excited to learn about talented Canadian actors…my newest favourite is Michael Cera. He’s the reason I started watching Arrested Development. Although since starting to watch it I’ve redeveloped a crush on Jason Bateman – the original crush was from Teen Wolf Too and the Hogan Family.

Do you see how I have no choice but to love her? Not only does she love Jason Bateman, but she spells favorite with a U. Ahh, Canadians.

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I’m trying to use the word “awesome” less. Some alternatives I’m trying out: magnificent, wonderful, lovely, glorious and transcendent.

I believe my over-use of awesome started when I netflixed all the seasons of How I Met Your Mother. I should be angry at Neil Patrick Harris. But, let’s be serious. Is that even possible?

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When I went shopping last weekend, I bought a dandelion cardigan. I’m theme dressing. And the theme is “Weeds and Blogging.” I should just go ahead and buy forty cats and start chasing the neighborhood kids away with a broom.

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I have a long-standing obsession with dandelions, which you may have already guessed. (They’re the only flower you can wish on. Wishes, people!) I’ve been thinking about getting a dandelion tattoo for years. I just don’t have any room in my budget for body art. Time to start a savings account I guess.

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One of the tools this blogging site gives me is the power to see my referrals, which is where you blog-clickers all come from. Since nobody ever links to my site, the referrals are usually from facebook. But any time I link to other blogs, their blog posts a trackback to my site, so I sometimes get a sort of self-referral from another site.

One such site is Nerdist.com, which, you’ll recall, is Chris Hardwick’s site. I have this sort of blind hope that it’s actually Chris who clicked on the trackback and saw my blog. And if so, I have this to say to you, Chris:

I’m sorry I called you the poor man’s Joel McHale. I was just trying to be funny. Please don’t be mad at me. And also, would you sign my underwear?

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Speaking of Nerdist, and vain attempts to get Chris Hardwick to click on my trackback (again), you should go watch this video of wall animation. It’s animated graffiti, and it’s transcendent.

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Since wordpress shows me referrals, but I don’t actually get referrals, what I’m actually seeing a lot of the time is whatever site someone happened to be on before they came to my site.

But don’t let that stop you from visiting those sex sites before you read my blog.

Don’t worry, I can’t see who you are. But I have some guesses.

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By the way, I know I called dandelions weeds up there. But don’t you call them that. It’s okay when I do it, because dandelions are like family to me. You can insult your own family. Right, Mom and Dad?

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Grass vs. Power lines

It’s random day, which means I’m supposed to give you little snippets of randomness to confuse your brain’s desire for chronology. But I must confess that I’m getting that antsy feeling I get sometimes. So, give me some room, I’m going to vomit my feelings onto the internet.

When I was younger, maybe 11, I had a dream about grass. That sounds mundane, but it was wonderful. It was this infinite field of tall, beautiful, green grass. And you know how tall grass is usually itchy against your skin? Not this grass. It was cool and soft. This sky was bright blue with just a few clouds, and even though it was clearly a summer day, I didn’t have to squint when I looked up. It was the perfect temperature. Warm, but with a little breeze that was just a couple of degrees cooler that would sweep in every once in a while. When the wind blew, the grass bent just enough so that I could see the tops of little pink flowers that were just a tiny bit shorter than the grass, and I could smell the flowers on the breeze. It was a wonderful dream.

If I had to depict my soul visually, I would try to recreate the grass field in that dream.

But, every few months or so, the breeze stops. The sun gets brighter. My soul becomes stagnant and hot and squinty. And when that happens, I get antsy. I start going for long drives on two-lane roads and I roll my windows down when it rains. And something kind of weird happens. The power lines on the side of the road start to look like giant electrified fences, trying to keep me in. So I drive farther.

It seems that this time has come again.

In the past, when I’ve gotten this feeling, I would usually quit my job. Which brought about problems of its own, certainly, but I felt a little freer. But, as an official grown up who has business cards and obligations, I can’t do that now. So instead, I’ll just dream of the day I can quit this job, because I’m making far more money as a writer.

And I’ll drive. And hope for rain.

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Thursday is the longest day of the week.

You may notice that I have a new title. I’m taking it for a test drive. Even though nobody voted for it (except me), and my husband thinks I’m far too lazy to have the title of Empress, I like it. I may try out the others later, or I may lose interest in this discussion altogether and leave Empress up out of half-laziness, half-absent-mindedness. (Interestingly, this mirrors my exact genetic makeup. I’m half lazy and half absent-minded. I never get anything done.)

By the way, don’t be hurt if I didn’t choose the one you voted for (or the one you thought to yourself, “Oh, I like that one,” but then you didn’t comment. Yeah. I know you did that. I see all).

See, the way I make decisions is, I narrow down my list of options, then I ask someone’s opinion to see what my reaction is.

Like, say I’m getting dressed for an event of some kind, but I can’t decide between my green dress or my white dress. I’ll ask my husband. And he’ll say, “I like them both.” And I’ll say, “No, you have to pick one.” Then he’ll say, “What about the red dress?” And I’ll say, ‘I can’t wear that out of the house, it’s too tight.” And he’ll say, “I think it looks good,” and he sort of leers when he says it. Then I stare blankly at him. So then he says, “Green,” but I can tell he’s just picking the one that’s closest to him, so I say, “No, really, pick one.” And then he starts telling me about some video game news that he read online today, and we get into a whole other conversation that lasts until it’s almost time to leave for whatever event we’re going to, and I still haven’t picked a dress, so I text one of my friends, and she says, “White.”

Here, one of two things can happen:

  1. I say, “Yeah, you’re right, white it is.”
  2. Or I say, “White? Really? But what about the green?”

Of course, I go with number 2, because the green dress is way more appropriate for this event (the white one is really a day dress), and I really wanted to wear the green one the whole time. But I didn’t know that until I asked someone else’s opinion and they disagreed.

So, basically, when I asked everyone’s opinion about the titles, and my husband called me a lazy bastard who’d never live up to the title of Empress (I’m paraphrasing), I realized that’s the title I wanted all along.

By the way, this post makes absolutely perfect sense. If you find it confusing, you probably have a brain tumor. You should get that checked.

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