Tag Archives: hate bait

Movie Monsters

I have to admit something. I’m not a fan of zombie movies.

There are exceptions to this, but generally, I find zombies to be a very boring monster. I even had a dream about the zombie apocalypse once. You know what it was? My entire small town gathered in the high school gym and watched movies on a projector while a rotating team of regular people sat at the windows with guns and picked off whatever zombies happened to amble by.

I have to say, the only zombie movies I like are Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. Everything else is just boring to me. Sorry, current pop-culture obsession.

Mummies aren’t interesting either, and they’re confined to only certain parts of the world, and there aren’t that many of them.

Honestly, any villain that has “shamble and groan” as it’s go-to move is not that big of a threat. The only thing on its side is the element of surprise, and once that’s gone, the odds are clearly stacked in favor of whichever side has the capacity for abstract thought and full use of their motor skills.

Werewolves – meh. Scary, I guess. But still boring.

Vampires I do find interesting. Of course, they’re only vampires if they die in the sunlight, since the whole point of the vampire myth is that in order to get immortality you have to become a creature of darkness, both literally and figuratively (I’m looking at you, Twilight).

Vampires are scarier because they can think. They can manipulate and plot and connive. They’re just like us, only evil(er). Also sexier.

Of course, I think we can all agree that the scariest movie monster is Alien. Acid blood trumps all.

P.S. Can you imagine Ripley in a zombie apocalypse? The whole thing would last like a day.

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The Bookstore Game

So, when I’m bored in a bookstore (Bored in a bookstore? How? Look around you!), I have a little game I like to play.

I take books from one section and place them in another section. Not at random, and not en masse. The goal of the game is to introduce someone to a book that they’ll like, but that they might not have sought out on their own.

So, you might move Catch-22 to the World War II History section. Or you might move Jane Austen to the Romance section. You might put Stiff in the mystery or horror sections. Be creative.

However, this is not license to move all the bibles to the fiction section. I get what you’re saying, and ha ha aren’t you clever and all that, but come on. All you’re doing is annoying a bunch of christians. And really, if you have to go out of your way to annoy christians, I don’t think you’re living a full life. You’re in a bookstore. Read some books, get some ideas, and go try them out. You’re sure to annoy a whole mess of christians.

And another thing. If you’re in the opposite camp – the “bibles should be moved to the nonfiction section” camp – I don’t think you should move the bible to the section you feel could benefit from it the most. This game is decidedly nonjudgmental. And, even if you don’t mean it that way, suggesting that someone read the bible is going to come off as judgmental. This is why I have a standing policy on facebook that if you suggest I read the bible, you will find yourself defriended.

What you’re saying to someone when you suggest they read the bible is:

“Not only do you have some character issues that I think could be resolved by this book, but I’m pretty sure you’re so thick – or willfully ignorant – that you’ve managed to overlook every single highway sign, commercial, religious tract under your windshield wiper, well-meaning family member, elementary school friend, crazy person on the street, thinlyveiled film depiction of Christ, and all of Fox News for the entirety of your life. You’re stupid and evil. Read this book.”

It’s amazing that a person might find that insulting.

So, what I’m suggesting to you is that you take the book that you’re wanting to associate with the bible and move it to the bible section. Now everyone’s mind has been opened to the possible connection between Dead Until Dark and the Lord.

A note to bookstore employees: I’m sorry. I know this causes more work for you. But it’s for the greater good. Also, you’re lucky you have a job, because I keep reading that print is dead.

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Random Day again? Already?

I’ve been in Oklahoma most of the week. So this Random Day will have an Oklahoman flavor that some of you (my dad) may find appealing and some of you (Texans) may detest.

So, apparently in Oklahoma, Craig Ferguson gets preempted by Seinfeld. What the hell? Craig Ferguson, what did you do to piss Oklahoma off?

I noticed on the drive back that you can definitely tell when you’ve come into Texas (even if you don’t notice the GIANT SIGN). And, I hate to say it, but it’s because Texas has a lot more road clutter. Not litter – Don’t Mess with Texas – more like billboards and road signs and crap, all right up on the edge of the highway. I don’t know if I was just driving through a particularly rural part of Oklahoma or what, but coming into Texas it was like, “Whoa. Calm down. I don’t need to know that “Adoption is an option” in 20 foot-high letters, okay?”

(If you’re not from Texas, you should know that I’ve gotten myself into some hot water here, because I just said that Oklahoma was in some way better than Texas. The only option I have now is to invoke that-which-cannot-be-named, an organization so evil that it raises the ire of even the most laid-back Texan – Matthew McConaughey.)

I blame TxDOT.

(Whew. Crisis averted.)

So, getting away from controversial topics, I listened to Wicked all the way up and all the way back. Now it’s stuck in my head forever. Which I’m pretty okay with.

Also, being away from my DVR for a few days made me realize how much TV sucks in the summer. But I did get to watch about 15 minutes of True Blood on HBO. So it was a net gain.

And this hotel didn’t have a guide channel to tell you what’s coming on when, so I was totally flying blind. Which means I watched a lot of Law & Order: SVU.

You know, I watch a lot of that show on TNT when I’m feeling lazy or can’t find the remote, and I still haven’t seen every episode. I think that show has secretly been on for 50 years. Or maybe they’re filming new episodes in an alternate dimension so there’s an infinite supply. (I like the second explanation better because it involves science. Or magic. Either way, that’s the one I’m going to go with.)

By the way, I didn’t take the pretty route. I was all set to, but then I noticed that it had two toll roads. Apparently there is a price to be paid for beauty.

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Spellcheck does not like my made-up words.

For some reason, all night last night, I dreamed about Andy Kaufman.

I realize I may anger all of the internet when I say this, but I’m not a fan of Andy Kaufman. (Andy Kaufman fans are disproportionately overrepresented on the internet, much like Joss Whedon fans. Though I am one of the overrepresented fans in the latter example.)

So, all night long in my dreams, I kept explaining to various people why I didn’t like Andy Kaufman. I’m not sure why Andy Kaufman was on my brain. Could be this post on Ken Levine’s blog. But seriously. I feel like my time was wasted, even though I was sleeping and probably wouldn’t have done anything productive with that time anyway.

So then, on the way to work, I started thinking about dating shows for some reason. (I can’t explain the way my brain works, only that it does work, and random jumps like this are bound to happen at some point.)

Anyway, I used to love dating shows. Change of Heart, Singled Out, Elimidate, Fifth Wheel, Studs, Blind Date. They were awesome, and always came on either right before or right after American Gladiators. But, of course, my favorite was always Love Connection. With its pastel colored couches, and heart-themed set decoration, and video feed to talk to someone who’s sitting backstage. And Chuck Woolery, second only to Gene Rayburn as the best game show host ever. So I googled Love Connection, because I wanted to see if it was available on dvd, and if so, how much it costs. (More on this in a moment). So, of course, google tells me to go to YouTube to watch clips, and I oblige. And in the sidebar thing where they show you supposedly-related clips – that usually are not at all related to what you’re watching – I see this clip of (who else?) Andy Kaufman on The Dating Game.

Clearly, I’m not the only one who makes the leap from Andy Kaufman to dating shows.

Addendum 1:  Love Connection is not available on dvd.  I must ask the universe: Why not? That show was awesome. It only gets better with time. The outfits, the hair, the audience reactions. And all the YouTube clips are grainy or pixely or have that distortion line at the bottom of the screen that you get when you’ve watched a VHS tape 60 times. Does the Game Show Network still show reruns? I may have to start dvr-ing it.

Addendum 2: If you must know, here’s the reason I don’t like Andy Kaufman: He wasn’t a comedian. (I’m going somewhere with this. That alone is not my reason.) At most he was a performance artist, and I don’t really like performance art that goes on for the length of a person’s career. He was kind of an asshole, and got pissy when people actually liked the stuff he did. I loved him on Taxi, which I suppose makes me a member of the unrefined proletariat. And he wasn’t even that funny. The rule is, you’re allowed to be as dickish as you are funny. If you’re more dick than funny, it doesn’t make you a misunderstood artist. You’re just an asshole.

Let’s look at young David Letterman:

  • kind of a dick
  • hilarious
  • taught us new things about throwing stuff off of roofs

We can call him a misunderstood comedy genius.

But now let’s look at older David Letterman:

  • At his best, he’s equally as funny as his younger self. At his worst, he’s much less funny than Young Dave. Average it out and call him slightly less than hilarious.
  • But, he’s become crotchety and complainy in his old age. When this is directed at people (Paris Hilton, Joaquin Phoenix), he reaches the same Funny-Dick Equilibrium ™ as he did earlier in his career. But when he’s doing his monologue, he tips the scale to the dickish side of things.

Ergo, older David Letterman is more dick than funny, and that makes him mostly just an asshole.

We could similarly analyze young George Carlin vs. old George Carlin. (I look forward to your hate mail.)

Interestingly, you don’t have to be exceptionally dickish to be exceptionally funny. But if you’re too light on the dickishness, you get relegated to daytime TV (Ellen DeGeneres).

The Funny-Dick Equilibrium ™ is similar to – but not the same as – Asshole Charm ™, a term I coined after watching Vince Vaughn in Swingers.

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Shelby looks forward to your hate mail, too.

This is my first-ever blog-by-request. Any complaints about anything in this post can be directed to my friend Shelby in the comments. I’m sure she’ll be happy to answer any questions you may have.

Some backstory: I have 4 close friends who live in all different places, making it very difficult for us to ever see each other. So we use twitter to talk to each other. For any of you who are going to comment on how stupid twitter is, and how it’s only used by losers who want to tell everyone what they had for lunch, please do comment. I’m developing a response right now, and I can’t wait to tell it to you.

Anyway, yesterday I was tweeting some of my random crap and getting no responses, so I idly wondered, “Am I the only one still alive? Did the rapture come and somehow you guys all got into heaven? Where is everyone?”

So we got into a discussion about which of us was more likely to get into heaven (apparently me, not sure why), and what exactly the guidelines are for getting into heaven, and I mentioned that “punching random people in the face” was not allowed.

So Shelby said I should write a post about what you could do that would keep you out of heaven. So here’s the list.

(I should probably note here that I’ve been told many times, by many different people – some of them good friends of mine – that I’m going to hell. I certainly have not been a perfect angel my entire life – or any one part of it – but I’ve never committed a violent crime or stolen anything that would be missed. I have only been told I’m going to hell in response to things I said. I know I talk a lot of shit, but…really?)

Things that will keep you from getting into (my version of) heaven:

  • Punching random people in the face.
  • Driving a Hummer if you’re not fighting in a war. Figurative or conceptual wars do not count as real wars.
  • Asking someone a question, then not listening to the answer.
  • Calling people stupid because they have a different opinion than you. I’m not stupid for liking Dude, Where’s My Car?, any more than you’re stupid for liking Vanilla Sky. Although I think a case could be made for the latter.
  • Taking credit for someone else’s work.
  • Forcing anyone to do anything against their will. I’m not talking about making your 5-year-old take a bath. I’m not talking about telling your employee to get back to work. Let’s use some common sense here.
  • Taking things too literally.
  • Using honesty as an excuse to be a raging asshole.
  • Responding to words with violence.
  • Thinking you’re better than another person.

A note about lying: Lying sucks. You shouldn’t do it. But we all know that there are situations where it’s not only understandable, it’s the right thing to do. There is only one lie that you can tell that will keep you out of (my version of) heaven: Telling someone you’ve forgiven them if you haven’t.

Things that will never, not in a million years, keep you out of (my version of) heaven:

  • Having consensual sex with any person (or persons) who can be legally and emotionally considered an adult.
  • Joking about religion.
  • Talking about religion.
  • Having an opinion about religion.
  • Having an opinion about anything, even if you’re wrong, as long as you are willing to listen to other opinions and intelligently defend your own.
  • Drinking alcohol.
  • Dancing.
  • Wearing makeup.
  • Wearing revealing clothes.
  • Wearing clothes that are not traditionally worn by people of your gender.
  • Learning to read.
  • Having an idea.
  • Making a mistake.
  • Not believing in heaven, or hell, or original sin, or god, or whatever other concept you might come up with.

I know that seems contradictory. Here’s the thing, though. I’ve had people in my life who haven’t believed in me. Some of them were very close to me, and it hurt a lot when they didn’t believe in me. But I forgave them eventually. And I’m not even close to being the nicest person on earth. So I kind of feel like god, or whoever you might believe in (or not), should at least be nicer than me.

By the way, my heaven has alcohol and sex and bouncy houses. You know you want to get into my heaven.

Okay, that’s it. I look forward to your hate mail.

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