Tag Archives: general advice

A snow-related question.

Dear Empress of Real Advice,
Why are Texans bad drivers?
I find myself constantly yelling at drivers and this weeks epidemic has made matters worse. What on earth compels people to drive like monkeys on LSD?

– Expert on Drug Use in Animals

This is a complex issue. My first instinct is to say, it’s probably way more fun to drive like a monkey on LSD than it is to drive like a normal person. But upon further consideration, a paranoia-inducing drug in an animal that lacks the capacity for complex abstract thought is probably not all that fun.

But it does bring up an interesting idea: paranoia. Maybe the drivers know that you’re saying awful things about them behind their backs, and it’s affecting their driving.

Perhaps you should give the drivers the benefit of the doubt. If you assume every other person is racing to the hospital because they just heard that their wife is in labor, worries about bad road etiquette take a back seat to concerns about overpopulation.

Also, why are all these women going into labor at the same time? There’s a bigger conspiracy at play here.

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Real advice now available for human testing.

All right, out of the thousands and thousands of questions you all submitted, I have chosen one:

Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold? I like blue sky, hate the cold. Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold. And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring? (last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.)

– Wearing Frozen Clothes in Texas

Okay, that’s a lot. We’ll take this in pieces.

Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold?

Because Blue has a dark side, a very, very dark side. Always bring a witness with you when visiting Blue, and don’t inquire about the smell coming from the crawl space.

I like blue sky, hate the cold.

That’s not a question, but yeah. He’s a bastard.

Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold.

Still not a question.

And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring?

Ah, here we go. I have a lot of ideas, so I’ll just lay them out for you.

Build a small fire underneath your washer to melt the ice.

Move to a tropical climate.

Throw some salt in there. Wait, does salt actual melt the ice, or does it just give you traction for walking on ice? Whatever, it’s still worth a shot.

Two words: ice pick.

Boil some water and toss it in there. But you’ll have to keep boiling water so you have an infinite supply, because this would be a very slow process. Also, try not to burn yourself while fishing your clothes out.

Do you really even like those clothes? Wouldn’t you rather have new clothes? I think you see where I’m going with this.

Wait for spring, which should be a couple days away according to the news guy.

(last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.

Hmm, if this is a repeat problem, you may want to look at these two situations and see what the common denominator is: you. And also your washing machine. And winter.

So you should probably change all those things, and then the problem will take of itself.

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Some more advice

You should keep a fork in your purse. It’s very handy.

If you don’t carry a purse, you probably shouldn’t keep a fork in your pocket. There’s a high potential for injury. Maybe keep it in your glove compartment?

By the way, I’m not trying to turn this blog into an advice column. Unless you guys want to send me some questions. And you promise to never follow my advice, unless it happens to be really good.

So, in conclusion:

  1. Carry a fork.
  2. Jury’s still out on the advice column thing.

Have a wonderful Monday. Here’s hoping the icy weather happens early enough to prevent you from going to work, but late enough to allow you to get home from the bar the night before.

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