Tag Archives: books

On Cold Weather

So, turns out there is such a thing as winter. I’d always thought it was a myth, but with each passing day I become more and more certain that when I die several decades from now, there will still be ice on the ground. ┬áI would never make it in Montana.

Snow makes the dandelions go away. It is the dandelions’ only natural predator.

I’m pretty sure there is a solid layer of ice coating every single surface on earth right now, like at the end of Cat’s Cradle when Ice-9 gets dropped into the ocean. Maybe on some tropical island, there’s one lonely guy huddling over a puddle that holds the only liquid water left on the planet.

Cold weather makes me pessimistic.

So, there’s ice coating all the highways, and it’s sort of mottled and chipped off in places, and has turned dingy grey from the highway grime. It looks like the background of a Giger painting, but with fewer penises.

But I do like those abstract ice sculptures that form on the back bumper of people’s vehicles, right behind the tire. They look like Green Men.

For reference.

Anyway, I’m ready for summer. Which was here like a week ago, what the hell happened?

Stay tuned tomorrow, I’ll answer my first question! Submit yours today!

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And finally…

Okay, I guess I should have mentioned at the beginning of this whole blogging exercise that I am notoriously unreliable, especially when it comes to keeping appointments.

So anyway, here’s a long-awaited random post for you.

***

I, along with my husband, have joined a gym. I’m sure to turn into a douchebag at any second. If you see my in the grocery store with Axe Body Spray in my cart, please just shoot me.

***

We’re getting a fridge! For real this time! It’s been purchased and everything, just have to wait til the 16th for it to be delivered. So thanks to Liz and Aaron, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law respectively. (Is he my brother-in-law if he’s married to my sister-in-law? That just seems incesty.)

Just imagine: A world where you can buy more food than you can eat in one night. Where leftovers don’t just go in the garbage. Where milk comes in whole gallons. Where butter gets its own compartment. And where ice cream sits patiently, just waiting for your every craving.

That world sounds a lot like a certain bouncy-house heaven you may have heard of.

***

So, the election is over. No more crazy attack ads on tv. I’m back to fast-forwarding through all the commercial breaks.

This is the inevitable post-election crash. Let’s try to endure.

***

Um, Doug Loves Movies had Edgar Wright on. Listen now to find out why you should use the word “owl” instead of “ass”.

***

Oh, and I totally forgot to take pictures when I was making my halloween costume. So, no tutorial this year. But sometime soon you may get a really early tutorial for next year’s halloween costume.

***

I just re-read Catch-22. It’s my second-favorite book of all time. I want it to be an HBO mini-series produced by Tom Hanks.

What? It’s about World War Two. It could happen.

Anyway, the reason I’m telling you this is because my husband has promised to read it now. And he’s kind of dragging his feet. So your encouragement, inspiration, and peer-pressure might get him a little more motivated.

***

That’s all I got today, folks. But why don’t you tell me how agonizing the wait for this post was in the comments? That will be fun for everyone!

UPDATE: Okay, guys, NO SPOILERS for Catch-22! Not even the tiniest allusion. Got it?

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I knew there was something I forgot to do.

It’s time for Random Friday! On Monday – just to keep you guessing. And because I’m aware of the irony of designating a specific day each week on which to be random. And because I forgot.

Anyway.

I have this problem where about every month, I’ll have a string of five or so days where I discover that I’ve put my underwear on inside out.

Is this a problem that other people have? Am I dyslexic, but only with underwear? I rarely put on other clothes inside out or backwards. And when I do, I notice right away and correct the problem.

This entry will help me to get more weird, underwear-related google referrals.

***

New nerd crush. Get on board.

***

I’m becoming almost as fickle as my family, husband, and close friends say I am. I’m always looking for my next nerd crush.

And where do I go for nerd crush fodder?

Geek a week, of course.

***

I’m reading To Kill a Mockingbird for the first time. It is every bit as magical as I have been led to believe.

How did I get to be 26*/27** years old without having read this book already? Public School System, I’m placing this failure squarely on your shoulders.

What other holes are there in my reading history?

Give me a list of things I should have read by now, and I shall try to fill in the gaps.

***

Since I began dating my husband, he has promised every year to take me to the state fair. And every year, it passes without us noticing.

I want some deep-fried Dr. Pepper, dammit!

***

It’s almost October! Halloween will be happening soon! So excited. I love to play dress up.

What is everyone going as for Halloween this year? Every year I say I’m going to dress up as Daria, and every year I fail to buy a blazer in time.

Maybe this year.

***

*As I’ve mentioned, last year my birthday was so bad that I decided it didn’t merit getting older. And with the avalanche of shit that fell last month, I think the same applies this year.

**However, while I was riding high on my Chris Hardwick/Underwear Signing encounter, I mentioned that perhaps I had finally earned the extra year. So, I’m either 26 or 27, depending on my mood (but certainly not 28, contrary to what my driver’s license may say). Or, as my friend Shelby likes to say, I’m 26B. Only now it’s 26C. Or 27.

27B?

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Two confessions, two apologies.

I had so many plans for posts this week, blog-clickers. Seriously, you would’ve had something new and fabulous to read every day. But somehow, I never got around to any of it. And I think I know why.

I need to confess something: I sort of miss my tiny apartment. Only sort of. And only in specific situations. But this happens to be one of them.

See, in my old apartment, the computer was in the living room, just a few feet away from the couch. So my husband and I would spend a lot of afternoons with one of us watching tv or playing a video game, and the other would be on the internet…or playing a video game. What?

But now, the computer is in a whole separate room. Which means that computer time = alone time. Not only that, but I’m extremely jumpy, and if I’m by myself for any length of time, I get really absorbed in my own thoughts. So when I’m having computer/alone time, and my husband walks in, I react like it’s Michael Myers. (Not Mike Myers. Well, not 90s Mike Myers.) Which is to say, I jump about nine feet in the air and accuse my husband of sneaking up on me while spewing profanities. (To be clear, I’m the one spewing profanities. I’m not accusing him of sneaking up on me while spewing profanities. That would make it much harder to sneak up on someone.)

All of this means that computer time = alone time = having the proverbial shit scared out of me. (It’s only proverbial shit, people. Don’t get any ideas.)

So anyway. Sorry.

***

One of the posts I’m planning is the story of Mitch Hedberg signing my underwear. I even took pictures of the underwear. (Not on me. Worry not, Dad.)

So that will be my first post with pictures. I’m a little nervous, I’m not gonna lie. Will I conquer this technical challenge? Stay tuned.

*cue organ music*

***

Nerds vs. Bigots.

Why does Fred Phelps even care about Comic Con? Have colleges stopped putting on productions of The Laramie Project?

(I have another confession: I don’t like The Laramie Project. It’s right up my alley, I should really love it, I know. But it’s kind of boring to me. I just don’t generally like plays where all the cast members play several different characters without ever changing costume. It makes me think, “Did I accidentally go to an acting workshop instead of a play?”)

(Is that mean? Sorry again.)

Anyway, I particularly love the guy in the Bender costume with the “KILL ALL HUMANS” sign. Yay Bender!

***

So, I was reviewing my tag cloud, and I realized I have only one post in which I mention books. Yeesh. Ten-year-old me would be so ashamed of 26*-year-old me. I need to do some readin’.

Right now, I’m wanting to read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which I haven’t yet read for some reason. Anyone have a copy I could borrow?

***

An update from the car situation: the Acura is dead. Boo.

So now we have to buy a new car.

I’ve never actually bought a car. It sucks so far. Salesmen are annoying. Now I understand the stereotype.

***

Let’s see, I feel like I should have another confession, to make it three.

Hmmmm.

Okay. I love Tears For Fears. They’re splendid. Every time I hear any of their songs, I think of the end of Real Genius, with the popcorn exploding out the windows of Dr. Hathaway’s house. And that movie is transcendent, so why wouldn’t I feel good about a band that reminds me of it?

You know what? I take it back. This isn’t a confession, because there’s no reason for me to be ashamed of my love of Tears For Fears.

*Last year, my birthday sucked so bad that I decided it didn’t merit getting older. So I skipped that year, and now I’m still 26.

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The Bookstore Game

So, when I’m bored in a bookstore (Bored in a bookstore? How? Look around you!), I have a little game I like to play.

I take books from one section and place them in another section. Not at random, and not en masse. The goal of the game is to introduce someone to a book that they’ll like, but that they might not have sought out on their own.

So, you might move Catch-22 to the World War II History section. Or you might move Jane Austen to the Romance section. You might put Stiff in the mystery or horror sections. Be creative.

However, this is not license to move all the bibles to the fiction section. I get what you’re saying, and ha ha aren’t you clever and all that, but come on. All you’re doing is annoying a bunch of christians. And really, if you have to go out of your way to annoy christians, I don’t think you’re living a full life. You’re in a bookstore. Read some books, get some ideas, and go try them out. You’re sure to annoy a whole mess of christians.

And another thing. If you’re in the opposite camp – the “bibles should be moved to the nonfiction section” camp – I don’t think you should move the bible to the section you feel could benefit from it the most. This game is decidedly nonjudgmental. And, even if you don’t mean it that way, suggesting that someone read the bible is going to come off as judgmental. This is why I have a standing policy on facebook that if you suggest I read the bible, you will find yourself defriended.

What you’re saying to someone when you suggest they read the bible is:

“Not only do you have some character issues that I think could be resolved by this book, but I’m pretty sure you’re so thick – or willfully ignorant – that you’ve managed to overlook every single highway sign, commercial,┬áreligious tract under your windshield wiper, well-meaning family member, elementary school friend, crazy person on the street, thinlyveiled film depiction of Christ, and all of Fox News for the entirety of your life. You’re stupid and evil. Read this book.”

It’s amazing that a person might find that insulting.

So, what I’m suggesting to you is that you take the book that you’re wanting to associate with the bible and move it to the bible section. Now everyone’s mind has been opened to the possible connection between Dead Until Dark and the Lord.

A note to bookstore employees: I’m sorry. I know this causes more work for you. But it’s for the greater good. Also, you’re lucky you have a job, because I keep reading that print is dead.

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