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Dear Empress of Real Advice,
Why are Texans bad drivers?
I find myself constantly yelling at drivers and this weeks epidemic has made matters worse. What on earth compels people to drive like monkeys on LSD?
– Expert on Drug Use in Animals
This is a complex issue. My first instinct is to say, it’s probably way more fun to drive like a monkey on LSD than it is to drive like a normal person. But upon further consideration, a paranoia-inducing drug in an animal that lacks the capacity for complex abstract thought is probably not all that fun.
But it does bring up an interesting idea: paranoia. Maybe the drivers know that you’re saying awful things about them behind their backs, and it’s affecting their driving.
Perhaps you should give the drivers the benefit of the doubt. If you assume every other person is racing to the hospital because they just heard that their wife is in labor, worries about bad road etiquette take a back seat to concerns about overpopulation.
Also, why are all these women going into labor at the same time? There’s a bigger conspiracy at play here.
All right, out of the thousands and thousands of questions you all submitted, I have chosen one:
Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold? I like blue sky, hate the cold. Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold. And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring? (last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.)
– Wearing Frozen Clothes in Texas
Okay, that’s a lot. We’ll take this in pieces.
Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold?
Because Blue has a dark side, a very, very dark side. Always bring a witness with you when visiting Blue, and don’t inquire about the smell coming from the crawl space.
I like blue sky, hate the cold.
That’s not a question, but yeah. He’s a bastard.
Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold.
Still not a question.
And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring?
Ah, here we go. I have a lot of ideas, so I’ll just lay them out for you.
Build a small fire underneath your washer to melt the ice.
Move to a tropical climate.
Throw some salt in there. Wait, does salt actual melt the ice, or does it just give you traction for walking on ice? Whatever, it’s still worth a shot.
Two words: ice pick.
Boil some water and toss it in there. But you’ll have to keep boiling water so you have an infinite supply, because this would be a very slow process. Also, try not to burn yourself while fishing your clothes out.
Do you really even like those clothes? Wouldn’t you rather have new clothes? I think you see where I’m going with this.
Wait for spring, which should be a couple days away according to the news guy.
(last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.
Hmm, if this is a repeat problem, you may want to look at these two situations and see what the common denominator is: you. And also your washing machine. And winter.
So you should probably change all those things, and then the problem will take of itself.
So, turns out there is such a thing as winter. I’d always thought it was a myth, but with each passing day I become more and more certain that when I die several decades from now, there will still be ice on the ground. I would never make it in Montana.
Snow makes the dandelions go away. It is the dandelions’ only natural predator.
I’m pretty sure there is a solid layer of ice coating every single surface on earth right now, like at the end of Cat’s Cradle when Ice-9 gets dropped into the ocean. Maybe on some tropical island, there’s one lonely guy huddling over a puddle that holds the only liquid water left on the planet.
Cold weather makes me pessimistic.
So, there’s ice coating all the highways, and it’s sort of mottled and chipped off in places, and has turned dingy grey from the highway grime. It looks like the background of a Giger painting, but with fewer penises.
But I do like those abstract ice sculptures that form on the back bumper of people’s vehicles, right behind the tire. They look like Green Men.
Anyway, I’m ready for summer. Which was here like a week ago, what the hell happened?
Stay tuned tomorrow, I’ll answer my first question! Submit yours today!
Okay, I got a lot of endorsements for the advice column idea, but no actual questions. And you know what? Your lives aren’t so perfect. I bet there’s plenty of stuff that I could advise you on, but you’re just too proud to ask me.
So, I’ll give you a little taste of what it would be like if I answered one of your questions. To start, I picked a commonly asked question at random:
Why is the sky blue?
And here’s my answer:
A lot of people will tell you that it’s because the wavelength of the color blue is shorter, and therefore it is more common blah blah blah science blah. But here’s the truth:
In the beginning, when the world was first forming, all the colors got together to decide what color everything would be. And obviously, the sky was a plum gig. It’s up there everyday. Everyone looks at it. It’s basically the default color. So everyone wanted it. So the colors decided to have kind of a competition to see who would be the designated color of the sky. It was kind of like the talent portion of a beauty pageant, only it actually mattered.
So, the colors all did their best tricks to see who it would be. Purple did breakdancing. Yellow did baton twirling. Green sang opera. Orange did a dramatic monologue. Red did sex stuff.
Then, at long last, it was Blue’s turn. And Blue really wanted it. He wanted to be the only color that mattered, the one color that every other color was measured against. And what better way to do that then to be always up in the sky?
So Blue got up on stage (There was a stage. Did I mention that?), and he just started talking. And talking. And slowly but surely, he convinced every other color that he should be the one to shoulder the enormous burden of being the color of the sky. He said it was hard work, that the sky would be totally unappreciated. Who really looks up ever anyway? Only a bunch of goddamn hippies, that’s who. He would take one for the team. It was an amazing speech.
And what’s even more amazing, they all bought it. Turns out, Blue’s talent was charm. If there was a movie about Blue’s life, he would be played by George Clooney. That’s how charming he was.
Now, as part of the deal Blue struck with the other colors, he said he’d allow them to all be included at sunrise and sunset. He said they would be the most beautiful times of the day. But what he failed to mention was that it would happen when all the people of earth were commuting to and from work, and the sun would be in their eyes, and nobody would appreciate the beauty in front of them unless they were a bunch of goddamn hippies.
So in answer to your question – which is the most narcissistic color – the answer is Blue.
So now, I ask you: Don’t you want me to answer your questions and give you advice? I guess the question I answered today wasn’t really an advice question. But you know, you can extrapolate from here what my advice would be like.
You should keep a fork in your purse. It’s very handy.
If you don’t carry a purse, you probably shouldn’t keep a fork in your pocket. There’s a high potential for injury. Maybe keep it in your glove compartment?
By the way, I’m not trying to turn this blog into an advice column. Unless you guys want to send me some questions. And you promise to never follow my advice, unless it happens to be really good.
So, in conclusion:
- Carry a fork.
- Jury’s still out on the advice column thing.
Have a wonderful Monday. Here’s hoping the icy weather happens early enough to prevent you from going to work, but late enough to allow you to get home from the bar the night before.