Real advice now available for human testing.

All right, out of the thousands and thousands of questions you all submitted, I have chosen one:

Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold? I like blue sky, hate the cold. Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold. And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring? (last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.)

– Wearing Frozen Clothes in Texas

Okay, that’s a lot. We’ll take this in pieces.

Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold?

Because Blue has a dark side, a very, very dark side. Always bring a witness with you when visiting Blue, and don’t inquire about the smell coming from the crawl space.

I like blue sky, hate the cold.

That’s not a question, but yeah. He’s a bastard.

Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold.

Still not a question.

And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring?

Ah, here we go. I have a lot of ideas, so I’ll just lay them out for you.

Build a small fire underneath your washer to melt the ice.

Move to a tropical climate.

Throw some salt in there. Wait, does salt actual melt the ice, or does it just give you traction for walking on ice? Whatever, it’s still worth a shot.

Two words: ice pick.

Boil some water and toss it in there. But you’ll have to keep boiling water so you have an infinite supply, because this would be a very slow process. Also, try not to burn yourself while fishing your clothes out.

Do you really even like those clothes? Wouldn’t you rather have new clothes? I think you see where I’m going with this.

Wait for spring, which should be a couple days away according to the news guy.

(last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.

Hmm, if this is a repeat problem, you may want to look at these two situations and see what the common denominator is: you. And also your washing machine. And winter.

So you should probably change all those things, and then the problem will take of itself.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Real advice now available for human testing.

  1. cathy whittington

    I think your solution “move to a tropical climate” pretty much solves everything. Brilliant! (and, “rather have new clothes” is a close runner up.)

    Thank you Empress of Real Advice.

  2. David

    Dear Empress of Real Advice,
    Why are Texans bad drivers?
    I find myself constantly yelling at drivers and this weeks epidemic has made matters worse. What on earth compels people to drive like monkeys on LSD?

  3. Hey Empress Lindsay,
    Long time reader, recurring poster…you could almost call me a stalker when it comes to your blog… Anyway, I digress. I need some advice.
    I have this friend who is an awesome writer, and started this certain blog with the promise of a new post every week. It started off great, but, as time went by, she…I mean THEY…started slacking. It got so bad that…they…started phoning it in by offering advice through her…uhm…the… Blog instead of dazzling their readers with their tremendous insight and humour… You’ll notice I spelled humor like the fancy British do – that’s out of respect for your husband. Tell him I said hi BTW.

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