It should come as no surprise that Red is the sluttiest color.

Okay, I got a lot of endorsements for the advice column idea, but no actual questions. And you know what? Your lives aren’t so perfect. I bet there’s plenty of stuff that I could advise you on, but you’re just too proud to ask me.

So, I’ll give you a little taste of what it would be like if I answered one of your questions. To start, I picked a commonly asked question at random:

Why is the sky blue?

And here’s my answer:

A lot of people will tell you that it’s because the wavelength of the color blue is shorter, and therefore it is more common blah blah blah science blah. But here’s the truth:

In the beginning, when the world was first forming, all the colors got together to decide what color everything would be. And obviously, the sky was a plum gig. It’s up there everyday. Everyone looks at it. It’s basically the default color. So everyone wanted it. So the colors decided to have kind of a competition to see who would be the designated color of the sky. It was kind of like the talent portion of a beauty pageant, only it actually mattered.

So, the colors all did their best tricks to see who it would be. Purple did breakdancing. Yellow did baton twirling. Green sang opera. Orange did a dramatic monologue. Red did sex stuff.

Then, at long last, it was Blue’s turn. And Blue really wanted it. He wanted to be the only color that mattered, the one color that every other color was measured against. And what better way to do that then to be always up in the sky?

So Blue got up on stage  (There was a stage. Did I mention that?), and he just started talking. And talking. And slowly but surely, he convinced every other color that he should be the one to shoulder the enormous burden of being the color of the sky. He said it was hard work, that the sky would be totally unappreciated. Who really looks up ever anyway? Only a bunch of goddamn hippies, that’s who. He would take one for the team. It was an amazing speech.

And what’s even more amazing, they all bought it. Turns out, Blue’s talent was charm. If there was a movie about Blue’s life, he would be played by George Clooney. That’s how charming he was.

Now, as part of the deal Blue struck with the other colors, he said he’d allow them to all be included at sunrise and sunset. He said they would be the most beautiful times of the day. But what he failed to mention was that it would happen when all the people of earth were commuting to and from work, and the sun would be in their eyes, and nobody would appreciate the beauty in front of them unless they were a bunch of goddamn hippies.

So in answer to your question – which is the most narcissistic color – the answer is Blue.

So now, I ask you: Don’t you want me to answer your questions and give you advice? I guess the question I answered today wasn’t really an advice question. But you know, you can extrapolate from here what my advice would be like.

Ask away!



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2 responses to “It should come as no surprise that Red is the sluttiest color.

  1. These little throwaway fables are among your very strongest pieces. I hope you are collecting them.

  2. cathy whittington

    Why did blue also choose to be the color of cold? I like blue sky, hate the cold. Right now, my washing machine has my stuff trapped in it because it’s frozen solid – stupid cold. And, what’s your advice on how to free my washing before Spring? (last time it did this it took a week to thaw out … I did exactly the same thing this year as last … apparently I’m not very bright so need a simple solution.)

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