This is my first-ever blog-by-request. Any complaints about anything in this post can be directed to my friend Shelby in the comments. I’m sure she’ll be happy to answer any questions you may have.
Some backstory: I have 4 close friends who live in all different places, making it very difficult for us to ever see each other. So we use twitter to talk to each other. For any of you who are going to comment on how stupid twitter is, and how it’s only used by losers who want to tell everyone what they had for lunch, please do comment. I’m developing a response right now, and I can’t wait to tell it to you.
Anyway, yesterday I was tweeting some of my random crap and getting no responses, so I idly wondered, “Am I the only one still alive? Did the rapture come and somehow you guys all got into heaven? Where is everyone?”
So we got into a discussion about which of us was more likely to get into heaven (apparently me, not sure why), and what exactly the guidelines are for getting into heaven, and I mentioned that “punching random people in the face” was not allowed.
So Shelby said I should write a post about what you could do that would keep you out of heaven. So here’s the list.
(I should probably note here that I’ve been told many times, by many different people – some of them good friends of mine – that I’m going to hell. I certainly have not been a perfect angel my entire life – or any one part of it – but I’ve never committed a violent crime or stolen anything that would be missed. I have only been told I’m going to hell in response to things I said. I know I talk a lot of shit, but…really?)
Things that will keep you from getting into (my version of) heaven:
- Punching random people in the face.
- Driving a Hummer if you’re not fighting in a war. Figurative or conceptual wars do not count as real wars.
- Asking someone a question, then not listening to the answer.
- Calling people stupid because they have a different opinion than you. I’m not stupid for liking Dude, Where’s My Car?, any more than you’re stupid for liking Vanilla Sky. Although I think a case could be made for the latter.
- Taking credit for someone else’s work.
- Forcing anyone to do anything against their will. I’m not talking about making your 5-year-old take a bath. I’m not talking about telling your employee to get back to work. Let’s use some common sense here.
- Taking things too literally.
- Using honesty as an excuse to be a raging asshole.
- Responding to words with violence.
- Thinking you’re better than another person.
A note about lying: Lying sucks. You shouldn’t do it. But we all know that there are situations where it’s not only understandable, it’s the right thing to do. There is only one lie that you can tell that will keep you out of (my version of) heaven: Telling someone you’ve forgiven them if you haven’t.
Things that will never, not in a million years, keep you out of (my version of) heaven:
- Having consensual sex with any person (or persons) who can be legally and emotionally considered an adult.
- Joking about religion.
- Talking about religion.
- Having an opinion about religion.
- Having an opinion about anything, even if you’re wrong, as long as you are willing to listen to other opinions and intelligently defend your own.
- Drinking alcohol.
- Wearing makeup.
- Wearing revealing clothes.
- Wearing clothes that are not traditionally worn by people of your gender.
- Learning to read.
- Having an idea.
- Making a mistake.
- Not believing in heaven, or hell, or original sin, or god, or whatever other concept you might come up with.
I know that seems contradictory. Here’s the thing, though. I’ve had people in my life who haven’t believed in me. Some of them were very close to me, and it hurt a lot when they didn’t believe in me. But I forgave them eventually. And I’m not even close to being the nicest person on earth. So I kind of feel like god, or whoever you might believe in (or not), should at least be nicer than me.
By the way, my heaven has alcohol and sex and bouncy houses. You know you want to get into my heaven.
Okay, that’s it. I look forward to your hate mail.