It’s called Regal Name Augmentation

I’ve decided I need a royal title, but I can’t decide which one I want. Help me sort through them, won’t you?

Lady – Meh. Kinda weak-sounding. I mean, it doesn’t even always mean royalty. Plus it carries the expectation of primness, which I won’t be able to deliver.

Lord – Too much religious connotation. That’s out.

Baroness – There’s a lot to like about this one. It just sounds fun. But I can’t help feeling like…this is the title of a fat woman. I may be having some trouble fitting into my pants, but I’m not ready to commit to being fat. I’ve still got time.

Baron – I like this one a little more. I think the fat thing goes away, because of the Red Baron, a pizza pilot who wore a red scarf, and was quite trim. Also, it reminds me of the prohibition episode of The Simpsons. This one’s still on the table.

Countess – This one’s just okay. But I like:

Contessa – which is just the Italian version of Countess, I know. But it’s so much fun to say, don’t you think?

Count – Again, just okay, but it does have vampire and puppet associations, so it could be good for intimidating my enemies. I guess that means I need to keep it on the table.

Marquis/Marchioness – I like Marquis. I could be Marquis de Lindsay. Associations with Marquis de Sade don’t trouble me, really. Marchioness doesn’t really call out to me though.

Duke/Duchess – These are kind of boring, which is so at odds with the point of having a royal title. No need to consider them further.

Viscount/Viscountess/Viscontessa? – These sound cool, until you learn they’re the Associate Producer credit of royal titles. Next.

Earl – This one has a lot of connection with food and drink. Earl Grey. Earl of Sandwich. But the title itself isn’t super-exciting. Is there a girl version, like Earless? Ew, that looks like ear-less. I don’t want people assuming I don’t have ears. Earlienne? Kind of sounds like a name from the twenties. I like names from the twenties, but I need it to sound like a title. Earltrix? I could be an Earltrix. But I don’t think people would get it. Hmm, might have to think about this one.

Prince/Princess – I’m not too keen on the idea of taking a title where you have to wait for someone to die to get any real power. Plus, I’m not on My Super Sweet 16, so I don’t think I’m allowed to be called a “Princess.”

King/Queen – At first glance, these seem like the best titles. They’re at the top, which is attractive, sure. But I immediately think of chess. The Queen has a lot of power in chess, but in real life, if there’s a king, she doesn’t really get a say. Then there’s the king. In real life, he’s at the top no matter what, but in chess, he can only move one space in each direction. One space. That makes me feel a little claustrophobic. I don’t think I can sign off on either of these.

Emperor/Empress – Now these, I like. Powerful. The top of the pyramid. And they don’t have to come with any annoying royal family. This is also the only one where the girl version seems to have just as much power as the boy version. Plus, it’s prettier. Emmmmpresssssss. Power and femininity. I like it.

Pope – The pope is the only true sovereign on the planet. He only answers to god. But I really don’t want to align myself with such an unsavory character. Very bad PR.

So, we have:

  • Baron
  • Contessa
  • Count
  • Marquis
  • Earltrix
  • Empress

I need some help deciding. Thoughts, opinions, comments? Please let me know what you think.

By the way, you can apparently actually get a royal title over the internet.  I’m not quite eccentric enough to get a royal title for real, despite all the free shit I can scam off rich people if I do.



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6 responses to “It’s called Regal Name Augmentation

  1. Bailey

    300 bucks for a royal title. I think not. I mean being ordained is free! Chris and I will stick with Preacher and Preacher’s wife.

    remind me to tell you a story about this very sticky title.

  2. adam

    i’d say Contessa. It’s pretty and sounds powerful, plus if you went with it instead of Empress when shit went wrong you could say, “Not my fault it was the Empress” whereas if you were the Empress and shit went down you’d be pretty fucked.
    Also I think Contesessa brings to mind the image of opulent laziness where Empress sounds like work, and who the hell likes work?

  3. I think Marquis de Lindsay would be perfect!

  4. Cathy

    I’m leaning toward Earltrix. You could be Lyndsay, Earltrix of Texas … has an alliterative ring. Plus, the trix part is fitting… And an Earl’s wife is a Countess, so would that make Adam a Count? maybe Adam, Count me in Texas. Endless possibilities.

  5. That’s 1 for Contessa, 1 for Earltrix, and 1 for Marquis. Does that mean we should take Baron, Count and Empress off the table? I’m pretty attached to Empress, though.

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