Like a bird in a whale’s mouth. Now it’s in the title. There, Google, is that what you wanted?

I’m currently having a clothing crisis where none of my pants fit me anymore, but I’m too lazy to exercise. I predict this stalemate will last until I have enough money to buy new pants.

***

My phone at work is super static-y. I’ve been raised by television and movies to believe that this means my phone is tapped. I’m sure it’s because of all that stuff I said on twitter while Barack Obama was one of my followers.

***

I didn’t say anything too terrible. But I think I did talk about blowing stuff up once or twice. I was just joking, Barack. I figured you’d have a sense of humor about it.

***

I’m the only person who works in my office, so a lot of the time I’ll take off my shoes and walk around barefoot. And I sometimes wear tank tops with little sweaters over them, but if it gets too hot, I’ll take the sweater off. And because of the pants issue, I walk around with my pants unbuttoned. So what I’m saying is, if you stop by my office, I’ll essentially be half-naked.

***

“Like a bird in whale’s mouth” still has no google hits. But I’ve put it on this blog – twice. It’s on the internet, Google. Stop trying to thwart my plan by refusing to show it in search results. And also, stop trying to prevent me from getting new blog readers who searched for the phrase “like a bird in a whale’s mouth.” Let’s work together, Google.

***

From now on, any time I insult someone, I’m going to add, “Also, your face is stupid.” It’s like a bonus insult. And their face probably is stupid.

***

Please continue the randomness in the comments. All four of you who read this.

UPDATE: Google listened! That was instant.  Hooray for technology!

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