Strategies I use to concentrate on my job that never work on Friday:
- Listening to TV shows streamed on Netflix to entertain myself while making spreadsheets. (I end up watching. With popcorn.)
- A reward system: Do x amount of work, get 10 minutes of free internet time. (10 minutes becomes the rest of the day very quickly.)
- Only do my recreational internetting at lunch. (Just lunch becomes the rest of the day very quickly.)
- Getting all my recreational internetting out of the way first thing, so I’m not tempted to do it later. (I’m sure you see where that’s going .)
Names I call my cat that she more-or-less answers to:
- Kasima Catinu
- Kittle (Little + Kitty. I make up a lot of words this way.)
- Beached Kitty (when she’s all bloated and stretched out on her back)
- Hey You Cat
- My property (Yes, I call her this on a semi-regular basis so she doesn’t get uppity.)
Names I never call my cat:
- Her actual name
Mitch Hedberg non sequiturs that I always want to throw out in conversation, but never do because I know no one would get it but me:
- Red means where the fuck did you get that banana at.
- A message of hope from your friends at Yoplait.
- Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut.
- Man, you really like Tide.
- That tree is far away!
Speaking of Mitch Hedberg, I have a pair of panties signed by him.
Other celebrities I want to have sign my panties:
- Craig Ferguson
- Jon Stewart
- Eddie Izzard
- David Letterman
- Conan O’Brien
- Amy Sedaris
- Kristen Wiig
- Tina Fey
- Bill Murray
No, Jason Bateman is not on this list. I’d be way too embarrassed.
Super powers I’d never want to have:
- X-ray vision
- Laser vision
- Anything with weird vision, really
- The power to control sea creatures
- Seismology-related powers
Seemingly lame super powers I’d like to have:
- Anything weather-related. I would totally spend all day lying on my back in my yard, making tornadoes in the sky.
- Super hearing. Yes, I like to eavesdrop. I don’t care if that makes me nosy. I want to hear what you’re saying.
- The power to kill people with my hair.
Basically, I don’t want to make a career out of my super ability. I’d rather keep it as a hobby.
That’ll do it for today, folks. Feel free to add a random list of your own in the comments. Or feel free to just read and not comment, like you were never here at all.
Are you ashamed to be seen with me?